been thinking

about writing, some things tinkling around in my head, it has been some time. . .will see. i have some goals and aspirations (is that even the right spelling?, probably not, spelling was never my strong suit) for 2010. wow. time flies. am getting so much older. one of the things that i would like to do for me is to write here again. i miss being able to. i feel guarded. or is it that i feel unprotected here so i avoid here. it helps to have anonymity (spelling?) ugh. anyway, enough for now. good night.

old poem

by Annie Johnson Flint

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

struggling but God is real and He is present

Dearest sweet Renner, missing you and loving you and grateful for you. I wish that I could write more. I feel numb. Need to cry. Need to grieve. Can't believe but can't not believe. Anyway, just wanted to post about this website and to encourage you to donate. www.playroomofhope.com Check it out. Thanks. Hopefully, I will get back into writing sooner than later.

pure joy

It is with pure joy that I write to you this evening. God is so good and He is with us and blessing our time together. The women of several different churches gathered both this am and this afternoon to listen to our testimonies and to share their own. We have been very blessed to have a young woman who is a law student here translating for us. Her name is Gabriela and she lived in the states so her english sounds very american. She was able to translate both ways as we spoke, prayed and worshipped the same God. I believe that the portuguese bible verse calendars that we made were very much appreciated. We encouraged the pastors wives who we ministered to today to share these calendars with the unchurched women in their lives.

Church last night reminded me alot of attending church with my sister, Sarah and her husband at the spanish church in Kenosha or in Guatemala, so I feel very comfortable. The music is very similar but not quite, the portuguese language escapes me and leaves me feeling tongue-tied. But "Holy, Holy, Holy" "Santos, Santos, Santos" is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come is the same God. He never changes and His steadfast love and faithfulness is so evident in our lives. His mercies are new every morning.

One woman that gave testimony this afternoon, is just 7 months sober and is still doing some outpatient rehab after a history of 26 years of alcohol abuse and she talked aobut the freedom that she experiences in Jesus Christ and how she is a changed person. It was such a gift to be able to pray for her, encourage her and ask God to protect her and hold her. We also prayed for a woman who is just two months pregnant having previously miscarried and we prayed for freedom from anxiety and that God would protect her unborn child. We prayed God's will be done. We prayed for new ministries and old ministries. We prayed for strengthening and unity in the churches, esp. for the women in these churches. It was such a joy to lift these women up to our Father who is in heaven and to know that He hears and answers the deepest utterances and desires of our heart.

The men also had a sweet time of instruction, ie. pastor training from David Vecchito, in the morning altho three of the men did get started right away on some building repairs. Donnie was with these team of workers and has been hard at work all day making these repairs to a church that is falling apart.

The weather is gorgeous here and of, course, I am enjoying the sun and warmth. This place reminds me alot of Guatemala, Mexico, Italy and the others that went to the Philipines and Africa say that it is similar. The people here are very warm and friendly. I hope to post more pictures soon so that you can experience this place with me. I'm sorry that I didn't write after church last night but we went out for pizza. It was unlike anything I have ever had before. This pizza was fully LOADED!!! and delicious. I am feeling really spoiled and like I haven't had to sacrifice much or suffer at all on this trip, it is such a joy to be able to be here. I hope that God reveals ways that we may really serve and bless these people. There is talk of a soccer game tonight, maybe the brazilians against the americans, I will keep you posted.

p.s. It is so very encouraging to read all the comments and to get emails. Knowing that you are in communion with God for us is very humbling but so uplifting. To God be all the glory. Thank-you, Megan, (my dear sister in Christ out in Oregon who blesses women through her memory box ministry;) for twittering about our mercy mission trip. I don't even know how to twitter and probably shouldn't start because then I will just have to add it to my long list of addictions but I was just ticked to see my name in your sidebar. Family and friends, THANK-YOU!!! and I thank God for you-all!!!

here

We are here. God is with us and blessing us. It took a little over 24 hours but all the luggage and the 20 boxes we packed arrived safely. Donnie and I are just getting settled into our very nice hotel room after our 5 hour bus ride so that we may shower and then go to Sunday evening church. I am hoping to upload some pictures. . .This whole experience is so surreal.

leaving

Just wanted to post to ask for prayers as we are departing tomorrow for our 10 day mercy mission trip to Brazil. I hope to be able to journal here on a daily basis. We are so grateful to God for the beautiful tapestry that He is weaving in our lives. It has been a busy season of preparation and trying to enjoy the summer with many activities and opportunities to serve. I regret that I have not written here more but God knows what I need and when I should write. As we approach the one year anniversary of Renner's death I am apprehensive but know again that He has not brought us this far to drop us. I am daily reminded of His grace that is sufficient for me and that His strength is perfect and is all powerful in my weakness. Christ IS and ENABLES my righteousness. Praise God for He is good and His mercies endure for ever. I am so eager to see what He will accomplish through this trip in our lives and I want to grow in my understanding and leaning on Him as my everything. I desire to grow in a deepening relationship with my Lord and Saviour and so get a clearer and clearer vision of heaven so that the light and momentary afflications of this world dim as I look to the Author and Perfecter of my faith.

under the tree, my fourth entry

Finally, I am caught up with my under the tree entries, now just to figure out how to link them. I miss you-all and now I feel like I can contribute again, this was hanging over me, I know, Ruth, let it go, not life-threatening, I have so much to learn in the blogging world. I need to do this tho and it is so helpful to have a place to just be me, a grieving mother who really misses her son. Today at work, there was a patient who came in just for labs and a port flush. We had talked several years ago and she even went to my church for a time and then I had had her take picture of my second pregnancy since she offered since she does photography for wedding and wanted to build up mer maternity portfolio and so today she was like how are the kids? and I had to tell her, UGH!!! Oh, my son died. He didn't make it. We had to let him go. His brain was not functioning. He was nonviable. I'm fine. It just SUCKS!!! Yeah, so on to some lighter things. . .

A few things:
Hair color: dirty or dark blonde, gets highlights in the summer sun if I'm not spending the entire summer in the hospital like last summer, ugh!
Eye color: blue
Profession: Oncology Certified Registered Nurse and MOM to Helen and Renner, wife to my Donnie
Relationship status: married over 10 years now, wow


My Favs:
Color: to wear, black, but i love all color
Movie: Princess Bride? I don't know if I have a fav. . .
Animal: ? my dogs. . .
Store: probably the GAP, I know, how lame, I need to get a life, ok, maybe the ethnic grocery stores
Childhood memory: the ones my sister play over and over again. I don't remeber much of my own. They are always reinacting.
Hobby: Running?
Song/Singer: Held byt Natalie Grant and Enough by Barlow Girls. Godspeed by Dixiechix, anything on Megans playlist, or Carly's playlist, I am not very original, that's for sure.
Book/Author: CRAZY LOVE by Francis Chan and of course, Wally Lamb, he is nuts good and Snowflower and the Secret Fan, by Lise See, too many, I love to read and have read a ton of great books.
School subject: none, I hate school!
Vacation destination: Anyplace with a beach!!!
Food: pretty much anything and everything, I love food, esp. Mexican and Italian.
Restaurant: Anything that my husband cooks and Panera.


This and that:
Coke or Pepsi: COKE!
Coffee or Tea: BOTH and esp. Soy Latte from Starbucks, I'm a drinker so pretty much everything!
Apple juice or OJ: OJ, with pulp!
Summer or Winter: Summer, love the sweat dripping between my cleav but nothing like the first snowfall too.
Cats or dogs: DOGS, I have 2 chocolate labs, almost & years old, Maxxwell George and Chloe Marie.
Salty or sweet: Salty, like potatoe chips but also LOVE Snickers Bars
Plane or Boat: I love flying and haven't really had much time on a boat since we are not boat people even tho my husband would love it if we were but $$$, I just love going anywhere, anyhow, anytime.
Morning or night: Both, esp. since Ren died, I am more of a night person now, were as before I used to love the morning.
Money or love: LOVE, obviously!
Breakfast or dinner: BOTH!! and sometimes breakfast for dinner and visaversa
Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness!
House or apartment: House, altho' I think it just depends on your circumstances
Like to cook: anything but my husband always takes over


Have you ever:
Got a speeding ticket: MANY!!! the most recent just a couple of months ago, I have a lead foot, almost got my license taken from me but by the grace of God, did not.
Wished you were someone else: All the time, esp. when I'm not satisfied with my life and not being content but I am growing in contentment.
Cried during a movie: All the time but most recently, SOBBED during My Sister's Keeper, had read the book and didn't think that the movie would be good with the actors that they had casted but it was actually VERY good and I really needed the emotional release and the opportunity to grieve as a mom letting her child go.
Describe self in one word: CRAZY!
Biggest Fear: having another child die before me or be born with disabilities, and get this, I am very shallow, so being and staying FAT, ugh, now you know how shallow I am.
Biggest Mistake: This is hard. I have many regrets, esp. related to my previous out of control drinking habit. I have also many times, opened mouth, inserted foot. I fortuantely am just a forgiven sinner at the foot of the cross, down on my knees as God's streams of grace flow down on me.
Your proudest accomplishment: besides Helen and Renner and my marriage but all three of these things are really just gifts from God that I do not deserve, so running and completing my first marathon October 2007 on a hot day, ran it in 4hours and 10 min, approx. I was geeked out!
Dream Job: I think that I would really like to work in an ER but we will see. I really love not sorking that much right now and just being mom to Helen. I would also really like to take my nursing overseas and work in the mission field in for example an AIDS clinic.
Special Talents: Being Crazy and LOUD! The life of the party!?
Where would I rather be at this moment: holding my Renner, nursing him, or on the BEACH!!!relaxing.
Famous person you would want to meet: Mother Teresa or Florence Nightingale or Jesus or more time with my grandparents or my son. . .
Song to be played at my funeral: The Lord is my Shepherd, Abide with me, In Christ Alone, Begone Unbelief, Too many, I love singing! Grace upon Grace falls down, falls down, throught the precious blood of Christ.

pics of my bday gifts

the necklace i got from three girlfriends. they knew just what to get.















the music box that plays amazing grace from my sister, marie

























my tattoo: the superb fairy wren found in australia(a shout out to carly marie), for my lil ren. and the rare tibetan blue poppy, from the book the blue poppy and the mustard seed; a symbol for women who have lost children, placed close to my heart












and some beautiful flowers.

My and Renner's birthday was today. . .

My sister, Marie, wrote this poem for me.

The Birthday

You would have been one year old today

Amid balloons and birthday cake

You would have been one year old today

What wishes we would make

You would have been one year old today

It's hard to not feel solemn

You would have been one year old today

A truth that's hard to swallow

You would have been one year old today

But with your Creator you'll be seen

You would have been one year old today

Tis on HIM that I will dearly cling

It was a good day. I am going to try to post pictures soon. I got my Renner tattoo. I was given many beautiful flowers. I received one of "those" necklaces, with my children's names engraved on it and a pearl. I got a sweet bag that I have been envying, filled with things to help unstress me a bit, lol. I was showered with a intricately embroidered table runner and a black and white paisley ironing board cover. Some very sexy panties and a too cool for me running shirt. Just the right cards and emails. Marie also gave me a music box that Helen loves, of course.

We, my girls and I, went for a good, pour your heart out, sweat your butt off, love nature, enjoy the gift of running and Parkside and each other. . .10k, this evening. I don't know what else to say. I can't believe that this year was so long and painful and that it really happened but on the other hand, I can't believe that it is over already. Did this really happen?

no time

It is late. I should be doing my bills but for some reason my online banking is offline. Maybe it is just God telling me it is ok to go to bed but I just feel like i have so much to do and not enough time. Partly this is because I have an almost three year old, partly this is because now my jungle of a yard needs attention and partly this is because I don't say no and put too much on myself. I need to get work done on Renner's scrapbook. I finally have it all set up and ideas and supplies but no time. Please pray that I will feel a sense of accomplishment and release from the many and unrealistic and probably even imagined burdens that I put on myself. Life is so short and sweet and I am trying to enjoy it and just be but even that is hard work right now. Why am I always tired?!!! Grief is hard work!!!
So, today is JUNE 1st. I have officially declared it my birthday month. Renner and I shared the same birthday last year. I was 30 and he was freshly a new born in my arms, breathing, warm and full of possibilities. I couldn't believe that I had a son and a daughter. I felt so blessed! I still do but in a much different way now, older, wiser, more somber, even more appreciative, much more heavenly minded. Learning so much more about Christ and His desire for my heart. Longing for that day. . .I just can't believe that time has flown so quickly. I have so much more to write but no time. I need to schedule time for me and for this. I still really want to answer the under the tree blog questions but haven't learned or given my self permission to care for me and this, ugh. . .just existing. . . .at times and actually growing and healing at other times. It just hurts. I miss him and the me that was before. WHY!? I don't understand why. Why me?, Why him?, Why others?. . . I will never have the answers this side of heaven so why am I even ranting and raving? must let go. . .

i miss my son, my sweet ren. . .

my testimony for our mission trip to Brazil

Ren, this is for you. For my healing. . .but ultimately for God's glory. I want to share the following with you so that you may know my heart and my struggle. I had a very hard time doing this and had to, needed to but really didn't want to write it. I received the assignment over a month ago in preparation for our mission trip to Brazil in August and the not wanting to move forward and delve into what does God mean to me and how He has worked in my life is once again proven in my stubborn putting off the work that God wanted me to do. Last night, I just relived some of our time together, my son and I with my sister, Marie. She just listened as I sobbed and talked. This was so helpful to unload and clear out "me" and then I was able to focus on God and how best to share the story of His everlasting love and steadfast faithfulness in my life and for His glory. Because this life is not about me and Renner's life was not about Renner. I do just miss him and love him so deeply that I ache. Next assignment for myself is to get Under the Tree and share with my other dead baby mommas. I have really been wanting to do this but time and emotion and muself get in the way. I also need to get to work on my children's pictures and subsequently work on fixing my blog, I need pictures and a playlist and so much more bling that it is missing but for now, I'm so exhausted from getting this done last night and it is enough. I thank God that He continues to sustain me and to supply the grace that I need to keep moving forward. Thank-you in advance for reading and for your tremendous support. It means so much to me.

I have been very blessed. God’s steadfast love and faithfulness holds me and carries me in ways throughout my life that I could not have imagined. He desires me for Himself. He called me and He equips me.
I was raised in a Christian home but did not come to fully understand that Christ was my all until I was 26. In the Lutheran church, babies are baptized and then we are taught that we are saved through this baptism. So, I was covered. I had all the head knowledge, Christian schools, family devotions and church every Sunday but I did not have Jesus as Lord of my life. When I think of my life before I was saved, there was not much difference between myself, a so called “Christian” and the sinful world. I did not have a personal relationship with my God. I was never sure of my salvation because of my ongoing sin.
One of the areas of my ongoing sin that this became glaringly obvious was my alcohol consumption. Alcohol had power over me and I did not want to give it up for God because then I would not be or have the “fun.” I was living for myself and was very worldly.
One night, with my husband, a couple from church and a box of Kleenex, Jesus revealed Himself to me by showing me that alcohol would never give me eternal salvation and that it is only through the blood of Jesus on the cross that God would ever look at me and see righteousness. Because God sent His son to be the wrath barer for my sins, Jesus died once for all, including me and all my sin, past, present and future. Because of Christ death on the cross, my Holy, Just and Perfect Almighty Father in heaven accepts me.
That night, I was changed and while previously having doubted my salvation, now I was sure. Because of this change in my heart and the putting to death of my sinful actions, I stopped drinking completely and repented and was baptized as an adult believer. I was made new and there was hope, forgiveness and a renewal of relationship with my Lord, my husband, my family and my life. There was a freedom that I now experienced because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross and that freedom was so comforting. It is not that I totally stopped sinning, because I didn’t. I even had a relapse into my drinking less than six months later which God used to once again show His faithfulness and love toward me. I had tried to control it. A little here, a little there. Sin, my sinful nature is so insidious. God allowed me to get so sick one time out that I had severe alcohol poisoning. What I remember from that time is that God loves me and has already forgiven me. Christ died once for all. I was so grateful for this reassurance of my salvation and that, because it is not of my own, not that I’m doing good enough but because God looks at Christ and see me through His clean, pure white, righteousness.
All was going according to plan, mine or God’s, until about a year ago, my world flipped upside down. I was expecting my second child. My beautiful daughter was almost 2 years old. I was gracefully, and four years soberly, turning thirty. I was married to my best friend and very loving husband for almost a decade, totally not because of anything that I had brought to the relationship but again because God blessed me. I was plugged in, reading God’s Word daily, growing or so I thought. Living in and under God’s will for my life. Then the rains came and the floods. . . My healthy and handsome son was born on my thirtieth birthday and I was overjoyed. I remember that night thanking God for my blessed life. I had everything. Four days later, my son, Renner was diagnosed with hydrocephalus. He had brain surgery to help drain the excess fluid off and then just had to work on eating and growing. His prognosis was good. 50% normal, 30-40% some learning disabilities, 8-10% mental retardation. Being a nurse and a believer, I just knew that we would and could do anything and everything possible to help our son. But, at thirteen days of life, my son had his first seizure. Still, medications, therapies, doctors, we would do whatever he needed. Then at his two month check, we were told that his brain was not functioning the way that it should and that his brain pattern was not consistent with life. Six days later, he died in my arms at home surrounded by love.
I was so cared for by God through that whole time. He used family, friends, cards, meals, encouragement, and good medical staff to support me. I was also so prepared to travel this road by God. He had called me to be a nurse, actually even being a hospice nurse, He had placed me in a strong marriage of almost ten years, we were planted in a gospel-centered church. God had been weaving this beautiful tapestry all along. There was such a sense of His presence and call on my life. He sustained me and He directed me. Whenever I turned to His Word during that time, it was as if He was speaking directly and only to me. His Word was so applicable. It became so real. He made the ugly, beautiful; the bitter, sweet; and the broken, whole. Our sorrow was also our victory! Without faith in the everlasting, ever powerful, and all knowing God, who loves me and cares for me so much that He willingly sent His Son to die on a cross, I never would have been able to do what He had ordained for me to do from the beginning of time. I realized even more now what a big sacrifice Jesus’ death on the cross was and for someone who didn’t even deserve it. I never would have willingly given my son up to die and especially not for a people who don’t deserve it.
The death of a child is a very difficult thing. But I am assured of his place in heaven with the Great Physician. God’s Word says that I will go to him and I can not wait for that day but in the meantime, God is continuing to work out His purposes in my life. I have had some very bad days since my son died. I felt dropped by God. I have been angry and grown bitter with God. I have tried to fill my God shaped grieving hole in my heart with everything possible but God. I have turned to alcohol, smoking, shopping, running, and even eating too much to try to stop my heart from hurting. I had refused to turn to God because He allowed this to happen.
But I am learning, once again, that He is faithful and He deeply loves me. God doesn’t want children to die but because of the devasting effects of sin, death is a reality that although is the natural end to all mankind, we want to believe that it doesn’t happen until we are old. Because of Renner’s death, I am learning that my very big and powerful God is accomplishing immeasurably more than I can ask or even imagine. I have since quit drinking again and with God’s help and the tools He gives us, I am healing. This will be my life long process but without Jesus it would be utterly impossible. One of the greatest lessons that I am more fully engaged in and God continues to reveal to me is the desire to know Jesus more as the One who holds my son, listen to Him, trust in Christ on a minute by minute basis, ask Him and let Him be Lord of my life. I am learning obedience and most importantly, my utter dependence on God. Out of this, follows rivers of living water, hope and joy and even peace. My God is ENOUGH! He is my refuge but I must avail myself of Him and go to Him as my refuge.
Suffering is a normal part of the Christian life. It is something that comes into our lives that we would not choose for ourselves but it is there because of sin in the world, our sinful nature and the devil. What I am learning is how I will respond. It is easy to be a Christian when all is good and I think I can try to live a basically respectable and decent life on my own but God has so much more for me and has called me to so much more. He wants me to be seeing the big picture. My son’s short life and death was used by God to bring others to believing and accepting the gospel in ways that I will not even fully know or grasp until I am in heaven. God’s plan is so encompassing that He desires all men to be saved and come to the knowledge of Him so that they might experience eternal life in heaven.
“God thunders wondrously with His voice; He does great things that we cannot comprehend.” Job 37: 5.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12: 1 & 2.
God’s timing is not my timing and His ways are not my ways and for this I am very thankful and feel blessed. I do not want a God that I can understand with my puny mind and I am so glad that He holds me in the palm of His hand and knows every hair on my head and every thought in my brain and the desires of my heart. He has blessed me with this opportunity to go to Brazil, to grow me and strengthen me in Him. I will close with a quote by Mother Teresa, “I’m a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is writing a love letter to the world.”

under the tree, my third entry

actually finally posted July 16, 2009

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Renner died August 31st, 2008. It was a Sunday. He took his last breath around 1:30 p.m. Has your grief changed at all? My grief is always changing and evolving for the better. It is dynamic. I will always feel the impact of this loss but it is softer, I think that the antidepressant had calmed the RAW nerve endings and helped me to mellow. Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes? I think that some things are easier and some are harder. I hate that I am happier now and that I laugh more, I feel like I have to be over him and move on with life because I can not stay in the darkness and morose. Why did this happen? I will never know? What went so very wrong in his little brain?

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?I have mixed emotions. I miss that expected and excited feeling and worry that I might never have it again. I am sad for their perceived naivete, don't they know that bad things can happen and I ask myself why would someone knowingly put themselves through so much pain and suffering on purpose. Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? I feel like I have tried just about everything but am I fixed yet? Will I ever be fixed? I have tried two different therapist, group therapy, massage, accupuncture, physical therapy, medications, drinking, smoking, eating, shopping, medications, reading, running. . .Do you go to counseling? I am currently not in counselling because I don't have time and don't have a sitter for my daughter and I have friends that I can talk to for free and I felt like she wasn't really helping altho, in the beginning it was really good to begin to understand why I felt the way I did, "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" and to give myself permission to get on the medications which had really helped and i wouldn't have done that if my therapist hadn't suggested it. Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? I RUN but then I injured myself by running too hard and too much so I'm just coming back from some injuries. What helps you? Everything has helped, certainly hasn't hurt anything than how bad I already was hurting and it is all part of the process. I am trying to just let myself be but these things take time.

Sorry, I know that I haven't written, just so uninspired. Maybe it is from my antidepresseant which is wonderful by the way, I have actually had some days where I'm actually and truly happy, wierd. But then on the on the other hand, miss him more that ever. The weather has been so lovely and my husband unexpected took Friday off, so we have just been hanging and getting stuff done around the house. Helen is better but I think that I'm turning her into a homebody, which is fine with me and will be cheaper on my wallet. We are managing. Thank-you for all the support and encouragement, you KNOW, how much that helps.

Prayer please

My daughter, Helen is really sick for the last two days with fevers and a very sore throat.

under the tree, my second entry

actually finally posted on July 16, 2009

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? Renner is all over my house. I have pictures of him in our kitchen and our bedroom but esp. a little place on my desk. What is it like? A gathering of things that are about him. A picture that says "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart" Psm 34:18 A beautiful picture of Ren is a butterfly frame. A glass butterfly a friend gave to me and his name plate that Megan from The Greatest Blessing made for me.

Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies? I run. We ran at Parkside on our birthday and I hope to so this every year. If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Totally, everytime, I am out running or in nature, God and Renner show me a piece of peace that is experienced in heaven whether it is a baby fox or a deer or a bunny or a bird.

Have you ever felt their presence? I'm not sure, there has been many very blessed moments since Ren has gone to heaven to be with Jesus. Do you find them in nature? For sure! Do they visit you in your dreams? I don't think so, When I sleep, I sleep like the dead, I'm just starting to dream again. I will have to pay more attention. Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies? Hebrews 12:1,2

thank-you all for praying and for lifting us up. i'm really struggling again this week. the hubby and i are fighting more and more. i hate that his job has him gone so much and i'm getting bitter. i hate who i have become, i hate this grief and this sadness and this struggle. i just learned of a huge error and sin i committed last month on the night i starting my antidepressant and drank and finished a whole bottle of wine, my last and i'm so sad and sickened by myself and my sin. please, i am calling out to God for forgiveness and healing and peace.

minus one

we went for walk this evening together as family, mom, dad, h and the two dogs for the first time since . . . i so vividly remember that last friday with our ren, we had just gotten home from the picu, hospice services were established and then all the people were gone and it was just the four of us. i asked my husband if we could use the double stroller that i had received for my birthday from my sister for the first time with both of our children in it. august 29. he would die less than 48 hours later. it was so bittersweet to all be together, the warm evening sunshine beating on us, the breeze light and refreshing, so different from the many days and weeks spent in the very closed up, sterile and suffocating hospital. sadness flows back in a wave. my dear husband is struggling right now as he so appropriately reminded me that he is not on meds to help smooth things over and to stabilize the highs and the lows to a very nonchalant, even keel place that i am now at. i told him that he could get some meds too and he said that he doesn't like medications and doesn't want to be on anything, well, no kidding. he was sad this afternoon while holding our daughter while she was napping that he can't hold both of our children and that with baseball season starting, he will miss his son. he had a little opportunity to watch some last year with our ren. it is so hard not to have our child. even tho the olympics are still three years off, i know that it will bring back memories of my late night feeding with ren. we are minus one. . .

i have had an ah ha moment, praise God!

i listened to both of these sermons last night and they have just helped to turn my perspective. http://www.crosspoint.tv/media/backseat-jesus/ i am continual amazed at how God works. He is so faithful. He desires me and wants me to follow Him. I am so excited to make Jesus the Lord of my life and to rest in Him on a moment by moment basis. i need to put idolatry to death. Jesus says follow me, I will give you rest. He wants to be the driver of my life and i'm so ready as i am so tired of this struggle, my sin and my fight that i am putting up with against my Holy, Almighty, Lord and Savior!!! and "Yet", inspite of myself, He has established an everlasting covenant with me. Do I trust Jesus with my daily life? Everytime, i trust and accept Jesus' yoke, this world will get smaller and i will find rest and rivers of living water. Please listen to these two podcasts. I accidently found them through one deadbabymomma who referenced another deadbabymomma, WOW!!! I just love the beautiful tapestry that God continues to weave with my life and i want to praise HIM not because of my yucky situation but simply because HE IS!! I will not be untouched by my struggle with my beautiful son's brief life and death but God is accomplishing things beyond even my imagination. We have received our total fundraising for our trip to Brazil in two short weeks. God provides!!! I am learning that suffering (ie. pressure, difficulty, something that comes into my life that i would NOT choose) is a normal part of the christian life because of sin then death. Romans 5:12 Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all have sinned. . .i have just been fighting with God about the why and the how but like we used for Renner's service Job 37:5 God thunders wondrously with his voice; he does great things that we cannot comprehend. A new friend that I hung out with last night asked me if I would want a god who i could understand and then what role would faith play? Very good perspective! Another good dear, older friend share with me on Sunday, Hosea 6: 1-3 "Come, let us return to the Lord; for He has torn us, that He may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us; on the tird day He will raise us up, that we may live before Him. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to know the Lord; His going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth." Finally, Proverbs 30:5 Every word of God proves true; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him. I officially lost my voice yesterday evening from talking (read here, bitching, moaning and complaining against God, my life, my situation, my losses) too much. Therapy was interesting today as i tried to explain in a whisper my moment last night was God used these sermons to turn me out of the depths of my despair. The last half of the hour we just worked on relaxation with ocean waves in the background, deep abdominal breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, visual imagery and then finally she just simply read God's WORD, part of the gospels, the psalms, etc. She is going to make me a CD and I'm just so encouraged to be progressing forward finally. . .I realize that it has just been six months since Renner was with me but sometimes death just seems so final and permanent. I just desire to get to know Jesus on a much more personal level, esp. since my Ren is really and truly experiencing Him. I want to be an ambassador for Christ like Megan writes about http://greatestblessing.blogspot.com/2009/03/ambassador.html. I'm so sorry that I'm not better about how to blog and link but i just want all of you to be encouraged that God continues to use you and bless me through you and your writings. I'm so grateful that He leads me and how I am cared for. Please take the time to listen to these sermon series, so good!!! Well, my husband is actually home tonight, hence the reason why I had time to blog but I should spend time with him. Thank-you!!! Jesus and his followers!!!

numb

i'm depressed from my antidepressants. just struggling. i miss my husband. right now it is late and i'm tired and my daughter is screaming from the top of the stairs but actually she is singing "grace upon grace flows down, flows down" i'm trying to trust and follow HIM but I just feel numb. what is the point? just trying to hold on. . . He is faithful and He loves me even tho' i don't understand and i am questioning His ways but they are perfect.

under the tree, my first entry

actually finally posted July 16, 2009

Hello, my fellow sojourners here. . . I have been wanting to join under the tree and write for months now but no time but tonight, I can not sleep and it is still relatively early so I will answer a few questions but then not know how to link these but whatev. . .

So here's to our first gathering under the tree"How long have you been blogging for? My first post is dated 12/22/08. Renner should have been turning six months in just a few days but instead he was gone for almost four months. Why did you start? I staeted because I needed an outlet and a place for my thought to run and a place to talk to my dead son and to yell at my God. Renner had had a CaringBridge Site that was very useful and helpful to receive so much support and encouragement but after awhile, I felt like people thought that I should let go of it since he was dead. What do you want from writing? I want to be able to express my thoughts and to get support. I really don't like journalling, since I "had a bad experience."

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? I have found this to be a safe and encouraging place and it is really helpful to hear from other moms some of my exact thoughts about having your child die so I dont feel so crazy and alone. Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling? When I run with my friend, Nicki, I pretty much let it all hang out. She was there and knows and continues to be here for me. Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in? I really enjoyed several of the books suggested by Stacy, Isaac's mom. Especially, A GRACE DISGUISED by Jerry Sittser. and CRAZY LOVE by Francis Chan. I was a little lost trying to read C.S. Lewis A GRIEF OBSERVED. I am also working my way through Nancy Gunthrie's ONE YEAR BOOK OF HOPE and finding this incredibly helpful.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. More carefree, not aware of so much suffering and grief and hurt in the world, naive, trusting, just trying to live my life in a manner that I thought pleased God but really seeking the approval of man, all the time, inparticular from my sisters (and I have 4 of them so this was a full-time job). How have you changed, who are you today? I am learning more about Jesus and my heavenly Father and earnestly and desperately seeking to grow yet also resting and trying to just BE still!!! Learning more about God's love for me and that Christ IS and ENABLES my righteousness. I am more concentrated on what God is doing and saying for my life and trying to let go of people and their expectations for me and of me. I am learning to love them more deeply by letting them go and entrusting them to God, their heavenly Father as well. How do you think you are coping? I feel slightly driven lately, maybe mad but only time will tell, there is so much to do and not enough time. My Lexapro, an antidepressant, really helps and I am not drinking at all since Feb. and stopped smoking as well. I am running again. I even competed in a race this past Saturday and won my age group and even made the local paper, lol. My Helen was there to cheer me on with my husband and I am so happy and feel very blessed and want her to know that I am strong because God gives me grace and mercy to help me in my time of need. Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? I see alot of light and can not wait to join Jesus and Renner in heaven but I miss crying and I need a release sometimes, I just miss him and all that having a son could be, but I did have a son.

Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time? Well, having just celebrated what would have been Renner's first birthday, I can't believe that the first anniversary of his death is approaching, I have a hard time imagining where and how I will be in another year but I am trusting in my God, who is the God of the impossible and who can do things beyond my imagination. I thought that I would have two kids right now and maybe working on a third but obviously my ways are not His ways and my plans are not His plans but He plans to prosper me and hold me and grow me for HIS glory and for eternity. We leave for Brazil in 23 days for my first short term mission trip and I am eager but also I have been stirred lately to see what would God have me do right here in Kenosha, in my little life to spread the gospel.

underqualified/overqualified

just continuing to feel very overwhelmed, the heart palpitations and anxiety continue, the elephant isn't just in the room, he is sitting on my chest, squishing me so i can't breathe. i have been thinking about why i didn't feel great joy at accomplishing my ren thank-yous and brazil letter and i think it is because i feel incredibly unworthy to continue on this journey, unprepared to serve, possibly even incapable of coping much more than one day at a day. i was unsure of what i could bring to brazil, how could i serve these women and children. . .yesterday at one of our monthly team meetings, i learned that the infant mortality rate in brazil is 29.6%. that is every 1 in 3 babies die! why? i am sickeningly overqualified suddenly. i pray that God enables me to serve Him in a big way, in a way that I cannot even comprehend. i am compelled to learn more about this statistic. please pray that God will reveal Himself to me as to how I can serve and altho' i know that the whys are probably not answerable till heaven help me to grow in peace, patience and understanding.

a long one coming

i really need to write, i have so much to say but now is not the time and i'm tired and am going to bed. my homework this week is to relax and give myself a break and i will elaborate later. my therapist also thinks that i'm suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and that is helping me to understand why i feel so out of control. she says i need to start getting honest about how i really feel about what happened. i was on hyper new momma of a sick baby mode for so long that i'm just really feeing the physical manifestations of a woman who needs her computer that is on the fritz, rebooted and reprogrammed. i'm just so cooked, so overwhelmed and done! i hate that i'm short with my sweet two year daughter, i hate that i had returned to drinking and smoking, which i have AGAIN quit and i hate that my husband is gone monday through friday for 4 out of 6 weeks so far. i just can't do this and i feel like i can't go on but i'm starting to understand why. what happened to us, to me, the joining of the baby lost mamma club is a BIG deal and very apinful but i have stuffed it in that place to minimize my hurt and have just tried to get along, returning back to work albiet only part time but only 2 weeks after ren died, trying to train for this marathon may 2nd and keeping all our other obligations and making playdates and get togethers and having people over for dinner, wtf, ruth, chill out!!! this is so much good stuff happening in the baby lost momma club, i need to get more plugged in and post more but i'm really just so fried. i was supposed to work tomorrow but i got cancelled which is great and a godsend in and of itself because i didn't want to be driving all the way out to burlington in the snowy sleet, so instead i scheduled a massage and a hair appt. one week on the antidepressant, loving my time with my christian therapist, maybe help is on the way and i can start to heal. also received in the mail my beautiful memory box for renner from megan at the greatest blessing. also did get out my thank-you/brazil letters, yeah, big accomplishment. 245letters. wow! ok, i already wrote way more than i wanted to, i do need to get down more of what has been going on so that i can remember and maybe to help someone else but later. . . .

winner

so, yesterday, i did not stay in my jammies all day, i did go for the 6 miler that my training plan states i should have, my plans did not fall through to get together with friends and i did not eat culvers double cheeseburger and cheese turds for dinner and i did not start on a antidepressant and i did not have a son die. just kidding. yeah, i'm, awesome, here's to hoping for a better weekend. . .

www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyrenner

thank-you

i freaking hate myself, more details to follow but not now, this sucks.

Lord, your mercies are new every morning

Let your mercies flow down from heaven, grace upon grace. I give you every moment of today and I surrender all to you and ask you to sustain in the way that only you can.

I'm so sorry

that I'm doing this so miserably but I am placing myself under God's hand and in fellowship with other believers and I'm confessing my sin and asking for help and I know that HE is faithful. I feel like I need to hold on to my sin, (reading drinking too much alcohol and smoking and anything and everything that I can do so that I don't hurt so much) to medicate if needed. Please pray for me that I can be released from this once again. Yeah, I suck!!! I need God's grace day by day to get through and this is just becoming increasingly more evident as I struggle to do it (life) in my own strength. Why do I have to be so stubborn? and why do I turn everywhere but God? I feel like it reminds me too much of Ren to turn to God and it hurts too much to be reminded of such a beautiful but ugly, bitter yet sweet time. What is God accomplishing in my life? I'm so tired of my sin.

dearest, sometimes i miss you with a rawness that hurts so bad that it is a pain that no one should experience- your momma

so beautiful, i'm so happy

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Renner Albin Lehmann

Renner Albin Lehmann
06/25/2008
08/31/2008
Kenosha, Wisconsin
Therefore,
since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.
Hebrews 12:1&2
We are assured that you are safely in the arms of Jesus but we do miss you and love you so much. Your short lifetime has changed our forever. To God be the glory! till we can be with you in heaven-your Mom, Dad and Sister
Posted by Carly at 9:13 AM 0 comments
Labels: Renner Albin Lehmann

spiraling downward

so totally losing it, feeling very depressed, what to do, can't handle this. . .donnie is gone now monday through friday in the city, we miss him and it is probably not what we need right now. . .trying to decide what to do with our life, do we need to make changes, in the face of a bad economy, do we quit and job that is well paying with good benefits to do something that in the long run will benefit us? couldn't get a run in today and really, really, really needed to, get very anxious without it and do bad things like smoke and drink, wtf!!! feeling very overwhelmed by lifes business, too many outings and obligations, too much trying to squeeze in my marathon training, just want to quit, just want to quit life. . . i have all these things that i want and need to accomplish to feel like a person worth living and am very slowing plugging away at these details but i feel like i'm failing, what is the purpose, i don't want this to be my life. . .very frustrated! WHY!!!

I'm so grateful

Ren, we have two followers. I am actually excited. I must be sick. I just really appreciate that these women know what I'm going through and that their children are with you and you are together. I'm so sorry that I'm so inept at blogging, I'm learning. This has been such an opportunity for me to heal. I did finally get our entry into, "to write their names in the sand". I can't wait to see your name written on the sands of Australia, wow! Sometimes, I feel like I'm a bad mom, but I'm learning how to be a dead baby momma and I love and miss you a ton, so much so that my heart is so heavy in my chest and I can't breath. Why do babies die? Your great grandmother just sent me a picture of Jesus holding a baby, framed and matted, it helps but hurts. We are struggling but we will be ok. Your momma forever-xo

how did this happen

There are so many details that I would like more info on. How do some babies die and others live? I'm praying for my friend Naomi, that her rainbow baby will survive. WHY???? Sometimes, I just feel so lost!! There is so much hurt and heartache. This is so not normal. Why did this happen to me, to us? Please God, reveal yourself. What are we to do with our lives now?

grateful

So, yesterday, I posted on Renner's caringbridge site because the thoughts came to me and I need to write them down and share and I'm so grateful for the love and support that has been shown since I wrote. Sidenote, do I start every entry with "so", that is funny. I'm tired, long weekend and not much reprieve in the coming week, my typing is all over the place, so ciao for now. dearest, renner, I'm excited because a friend of mine is working on a picture of you with Jesus so that I will be able to grasp a little more fully "why", I can't wait to see the completed project, I just miss you so much but it is what it is, right, I'm so glad that you are healthy and happy and whole and that you get to praise and worship and bask in the glory of the only TRUTH!

five months

seems like forever, seems like just yesterday. . .ren, i love you and miss you so much, i have a hard time imagining joining you in heaven and getting to spend eternity with you and Jesus where I will always be happy because for now you are missing and my heart is hurting and empty and i just want you here with me. I know that you are perfect there, resting in Jesus' arms but I just wish that I could see more clearly now, the whys and the hows, but now through a glass dimly and then I will see and know clearly. We are finally getting more tapped into the support that we need for our situation and this is just bringing up and back all the details and I live and play back many moments and days that we had together and I feel raw. nothing or no one will ever be you, ren and no one will replace you, it is just you that I miss and love. I am doing better than I was, maybe you asked God to pour grace down on me and ease my hurt. Thank-you.

missing you

sometimes it really hits that you are gone, it seems like forever, but i can't wait to be reunited with you in heaven, i wish i knew why, NOW and why we couldn't keep you, i want to fastforward to when we can be together again and past all this hurt and the deep empty hole where my happy heart used to be, i can't believe that this is how God thought my life should go. . .missing you and the possiblities of you-your mom

megan from the greatest blessing said I could share this from her blog

mothering my son from afar
>Spending time in God's word. The One that holds my baby now, is able to speak directly to me. While holding my little man. (the visual is a killer!)
>Prayer. If he is now with God, in His very presence, it makes sense that my prayers are being heard by a pair of very small, very cute little ears.(Hi Macsen! Mommy loves you!)
>Tending to my temple. If God lives within my temple, then taking extra good care of it is no less an act of worship. What is my son doing right now? Worshipping God! Move over Mercy Me! NOT
>Fellowshipping with other believers. These are people that we will be with for all of eternity! Why on earth would we not want to know them, mingle with them, and celebrate them? Macsen is in the presence of saints too! Saints...please picture that in your minds eye. It's all I can do to not fall down on my face right now!
>Making the most of the time I have been given here on earth. God has filled each of us with talents, gifts, interests, ideas, and personalities to be used of Him! Letting Him use us, and dieing to self? What a good example that is to your children. Children here! Children there!
Loving my family. Being all that I can be to his sisters. All that I can, considering all the other seas I am swimming right now. Showing them love. Joy. Acceptance. Peace. Wisdom. Truth. Celebrating their uniqueness and reminding them OFTEN that they are loved by a God that is perfect, and doesn't make mistakes like mommy's and daddy's. He is always there! Always true! (Then I say.....one day, your baby brother will tell you all about HIM!)
>Press on dear one! There is absolute HOPE IN HEAVEN! MAKE IT, AND IT'S KING YOUR OBSESSION!!!!!! Something tells me, WE WILL NEVER REGRET IT!

I just loved this vision and this idea and it really helped me to put things in perspective but that was so last week and already, I obviously digress!!! I asked Megan if I could post this on my blog as a reminder to myself and if I could share it with my small group at church so that they would and could know how to pray for me but then I faltered and didn't share and didn't post until I got her comment tonight as I finally sat down to write. I need to write here every day because it helps me so much to get my thoughts down and how things are going and what has happened but I'm just so tired and never feel like I have time for myself. Can I whine and complain anymore?!!!

sick

So, H and I have had the flu for the last few days and I feel like I've lost my momentum. I'm just so sick and tired and I'm sick and tired of being depressed and not getting anywhere and not doing or being a better person and mother and wife. I haven't run for the last four days and it makes me nervous that I will never be able to run again and that I won't be able to do the marathon May 2nd that I've paid for and I just feel like I'm losing it. Too much diarrhea and too laundry.
I had all these plans for this week and have had to cancel, one of which I was really looking forward to, Tuesday night, the last Tuesday of every month is a grieving parents support group that I thought might really help Donnie and me but Helen had such bad diarrhea and I felt alittle nervous myself so instead we stayed home and watched Dr. Seuss Horton hears a Who which is really cute but I feel like every time I try to make plans for Donnie and myself, Helen is always sick or I can't break myself away from her and we never spend quality time together and he is leaving for the city for the next three weeks and will be home on weekends but I have to go on and on and I will miss him and he is acting up and feeling more blue and depressed because he is anticipating missing and leaving us and really our life isn't that bad but ugh!!! Every little thing sends me over the edge.
I have had these last two weeks alot more in my face about infant loss. I learned that a long time friend of the family lost one of her twins, 13 years ago and then I met a mom face to face who had lost her son 29 years ago to hydrocephalus and then received an email from another mom who was the patient of the doctor I met in Cozumel who had learned at 35 weeks that her son had hydrocephalus and they did comfort cares only at birth and what she wrote spoke to Donnie's and my heart and brought us to tears. I also was finally able to connect with a mom from Margaretann's Place who we have been playing phone tag for over 6 weeks. We talked on the phone for over an hour and she gave me helpful ideas and shared her story of loosing her second daughter at 7 weeks to SIDS just five years ago. Then I was able to connect with a man and his wife who lost there daughter one years ago to leukemia at the age of three and half after battling for three years, we are going to get together with them this Saturday (God-willing) just to connect and get some help and ideas. I did call Margaret Ann's Place and set up an intake interview with Helen and I for this Friday and then I scheduled a therapy session for myself for next Wednesday so I feel like I'm headed in the right direction but ugh then the flu. Marie and I had even ran 8 miles Saturday in the 5 degree temps and we were so proud of ourselves.
Sunday was really hard. I sobbed in church through almost the whole thing. We sang Through the Precious Blood in the beginning which is one of Ren's and my song from the hospital and then the sermon was about suffering and sorrow and when it feel like God has abandoned you and I was like yes, and I have to believe that He is with me and that I need not be afraid and that He is my strong tower. The we sand The Lord IS which is another one of Ren's and my favorite songs that we listened to over and over again in the hospital and then sang at his celebration of life service. I was crying so hard and you thing that I would be doing better or that I would be over this, Where does all this grief come from and why does it hurt so much!!!
Niki Neal the mom who lost her daughter to SIDS said that I'm pushing myself to hard and that I'm expecting too much. I feel like I'm drowning and accomplishing nothing! I really want to get Renner's pictures done and also work on writing and getting out a thank-you letter to everyone. I feel like this will bring me some closure but I'm barely existing. I feel like if I get the laundry done and don't let the dishes pile up that is all I can handle. I have no extra energy and I feel like I'm slowly dying or maybe it is just that i wish I was dying so I could see and hold my Ren again. Even busted is having a boy. Everywhere I turn people are pregnant and having babies. My good friend Naomi is 7wks pregnant after trying for 15 months since losing their son at 16 wks to placental abruption and I'm so happy and excited and scared for her and I pray that God protect her and their unborn child and that He blesses them with every good and perfect gift. I just don't know if I will ever be ready to get pregnant again. I'm just so scared and tired. I know that I need to just get over this but I'm stuck.
We had a sisters coffee Sunday afternoon that I felt went fairly well but then. . .car issues. My sister Joy was in a car accident just a little over a week ago Tuesday, she and the car she hit were pretty totally but praise God, noone was hurt and no one was killed!!! and we are all trying to help out but she is very ungrateful. I'm very frustrated with my family and feel like I don't have the energy or the mental and emotional capacity to deal with this trivial and trifle drama. The usual!I'm frustrated with this life and just want to move as far away from everything as possible.
I was just reading up on an old friend of mine who is now a "life coach" and trying to decide what resuming that friendship would look like esp. now when I'm so fragile and it didn't end well last time. She did come to Renner's living wake at our home that Saturday which was the first time I had seen her in like three years. I just don't know. . .
Sunday night Donnie and I both had dreams/nightmares. Donnie dreamt that Renner died all alone in the hospital while we were just sitting at home watching a moniter and I dreamt that a girl on the football team just delivered her baby right there on the field and didn't want the baby and no one would help me save the baby. I just hate hearing about people who don't even want the blessings that God has given them and I never understand why we weren't allowed to keep our Renner. Was I not a good enough mom, could I not have been able to handle two kids let alone one with a disability. He was mine! Why did God want him back? I know that our children are just gifts from God and that that are really His but seriously WHY?!!!

ok

Running again. It is so good for my soul and my wellbeing. We are going to be ok. Sometimes, I have just an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss but life continues to return to normal. I need to write here more but who has the time. Lots to do since we are back from Mexico. I feel I have so many things that I want to organize and clean and get done. One day at a time. From our sermon today, I need to trust, delight and wait on the Lord and all the rest will follow. We just need time. I wish that I could see into the future or fastforward but thus is life. If I had known what the last six months would bring, what would have changed or what could have been different. Newsflash, I'm not in charge. I just wish I had some direction but I guess, trusting in, delighting in and waiting on the Lord is pretty clear, right?! Running is always good.

back

today was almost such a normal day that sometimes it feels like he was never here and that this never happened. . .life goes on, i just wonder what our life would be like with him, i struggled so bad these last few weeks and now i have to get back to normal, i have to do this, i can't go on, i have to get my butt in gear, i have to keep living and it sucks. i just miss him and the old happy me and what i thought our life would be like.

so everyone thinks drugs and therapy. . .I'm surviving for the time being and starting to get excited about vacation. . .

just too tired, can't post, hopefully vacation will help but scared, don't feel up to it and don't feel prepared or ready, just totally wiped out what is wrong with me, kept entirely way too busy yesterday so to avoid myself and . . .i'm just so done.