the end of a chapter

Dearest Renner, I have been silent for too long. Many changes happening here. It has been over three years since you went home to be with Jesus and the hole you left, will always be there but the edges are softening. I have been back to work full time now for over two years in the anticipation that your father would lose/quit his job with the phone company and use the opportunity to go back to school and complete his degree. Daddy left At&t this past February and started classes this fall at Carthage. He has yet to declare a major but is getting really good marks thus far and appling himself in the adult education program. He and Helen are so happy that he is at home and during the day they work on school, reading, writing and math and practicing the violin. Your big sister Helen turned five this past October and is quite the young lady. It is amazing how old she is. It is hard to believe that you would be three. Helen talks about you all the time. We are expecting your little brother to arrive in 10 days or less and Helen is the first to remind me that I have three children and that Renner is just in heaven with Jesus. She was so disappointed that this new baby was a boy that she even cried because she said that she already had a brother, who was in heaven and she really wanted a sister but she is warming up to the idea. This pregnancy has been a little anxiey ridden to say the least and not nearly as much fun as the first two but reportedly everything looks fine. I am preparing myself that whatever the outcome, God is in control and that He knows the plans that He has for us. I have learned and grown alot in the past three years that I would not change except for in the first place, I wish that you hadn't been so broken. But I am grateful that even tho' everything was so hard and sad, it was also beautiful. I wouldn't give back a single minute that I had with you and am so glad that I got to be your mommy. God used you to change my life forever and I will never be the same. I can not wait to go to heaven and to see you again. We are doing a sermon series on heaven right now in church and I am so grateful that I am already more heavenly minded because you are there. I have learned more about God's faithfulness and unfailing love and mercy because of my struggles since you died. He never fails, never forsakes, never quits. He is present and He heals and He loves. He promises me peace even in the midst of the storm which I experienced when we were together and continue to experience. Anyway, just finished your scrapbook tonight and am finishing putting some of your pictures into an album. Helen just came up to me and told me not to be sad and that she misses you too. I don't think the chapter of you will ever really be closed. I love talking about you and hearing your name. What else can I do or say? signing off for now with resignation. . .your momma, Godspeed, my sweet little man. Sweet dreams, little man. My love will fly to you every night on angel's wings. Godspeed. I love you.