Dec 31, 2008
Dec 30, 2008
so tired
Sunday was just so exhausting. It started with the verse from Matt 2:18 being read aloud; A voice heard in Ramah, weeping and loud lamentations, Rachel weeping for her children; she refused to be compofted, because they are no more. I just burst into sobs. Then we learned of a little boy who was born 11 weeks early and is in the NICU fighting an infection and I just feel surrounded by painful reminders and suffocating events and then I can't breath and my heart races. Our sermon was about the war beginning and I feel like I'm at war. We were encouraged to live both soberly and joyfully and yet again my split life continues. I am so torn. It was still good to be at church and God's word speaks to so much of my life. Jeremiah 17:9 reminds me that "the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it?" and in Isaiah 42:3, I was shown "a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench." This is so helpful when I let my mind have control over what I know is TRUE. I don't like feeling depressed and if I just preach God's gospel and truth to myself instead of listen to myself. I also appreciate in Isaiah 53 v. 3&4 where it says that he was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief and surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows. Then pastor said that we need to ask God to rescue us from small minded thinking and reading and ask him to help us see the big picture. Open our eyes to see the purpose of God throughout history and help us to see the difference that this makes for ME. In Him, we have life now and also the promise of eternal life where all tears and all mourning will be done away with and all things will be made new and JOY will reign forever. So many times throughout my day, I forget the big picture and I fall deep into my own selfishness and own purposes and I forget how beautiful our time with Renner was and how God was so real and big and how He carried us. I get so caught up in the things that God has said NO to and I forget what He has said YES to. Lord, help me to remember! OK, so then I spent some time after church talking with my friends and receiving encouragement. Good but tiring. . .then on to dinner at my mom's where they had invited some guests. Sometimes, people don't make all the connections that we are Larry and Chelley's children and that we are the parents of Renner and that he died. I can't fault people but sometimes it is frustrating so then we got into and talked and cried about the loss and how the insuing months have been hard and how we are or are not dealing with all this. My mother pulled me aside and shared that one of the men was a recovering addict so that we might have a connection. As we talked more, it turned out it was a sex addiction which is a little more than I can process right now, I mean, we all have sins. Let's just leave it at that. I just felt like after talking with these guys so exhausted. The one shared about his life, his abuse, his medications, hospitalizations for attempted suicide and etc. . .I'm just not up for all this. I'm just not strong enough and I felt like this was not helpful. And what is most frustrating of all was that my own mother just doesn't get it. She doesn't understand nor does she try to, she doesn't feel or . . .who knows. My father said today that Sunday must have been good for me since I "really got into it" and I'm like NO. As I have been think aabout and talking over these events with my husband, I have decided that I'm just not up to dealing with all these details. I don't mind hearing about other peoples plans and how life is going but getting into someone elses life story and pain and hurt is a bit much. Opps, I guess, now I know better, I'm sure that God was accomplishing His purposes but I felt more than a little used by my parents as a freak show. I didn't want to be part of the sunday dinner entertainment. We should have just quickly eaten and left like we were planning on doing since the bears were playing but what can you do? It was late afternoon by the time we got home and then Helen fell asleep on me while we were sitting on the couch and it was lovely. I slept too but I felt so beat up and tired from the day. We then had Marie, Trently, Hope and Luke over for pizza and a movie, Happy Feet. Then still had to finish the laundry, my cousin John stopped by and they all played ROOK. Learned that Donnie is chewing tobacco and while this is gross and I hope that he doesn't continue in it, the thing that bothers me the most is that I didn't know about it. I don't like that he was keeping something from me. I realize that he is hurting and grieving also and neither one of us really knows how to handle this since this is all so new and hard. I just don't want us to keep anything from each other because when we don't have trust or each other then we have nothing.
Monday, awoke positive and since Marie and I were both working at our clinic in Franklin, we dropped the child off together and drove together. It was good. Helen was positively adorable in the am. And Marie says that I'm her person and this makes me feel good altho' I don't feel like we have really had any good time to talk lately, mostly related to me having fallen off the face of the world. The day was going great, or as well as can be expected until my aunt and two cousins show up at my work, like they haven't been across the yard for the last two days but now they have to interrupt my day at work and painfully remind me of the everything. She is just so awkward and I feel like she always want to morose and diagnose. She was going on about how she has to go back to work after being off for the last four months since she broke her foot the day before Renner's service so she was unable to make it and how bad she wanted to come and I'm so sorry, whatever. If you don't want to go back to work than don't, if you want to spend more time with your grandson, then do it, I mean, he is alive isn't he? UGH! I was totally combobulated after their visit, my heart hurt and it was hard to breathe. WTF! Anyway, finished out the day, good to be home with Helen and Donnie, who made grilled cheese and tomato soup with a huge spinach salad and then offered to take care of Helen's bedtime routine so I could go straight to bed, which I did. I love that we do pray together, Helen's bedtime prayer. I know taht I was cooked because I didn't write yesterday. I knew that I needed to and that I had a lot to get off my chest but I just couldn't. TOO TIRED!
So today, finally called the woman who lost a child. Jamie, the NP at one of our clinics gave me her number and thought it would be helpful for me. But all I got was her voicemail. Then I spent another two hours on the phone with our insurance company and the billing department of CHOW and MCW trying to figure out these bills. I added up all the monies billed for Renner's care totalled $246,657.00 approx. with $23,101.00 approx for OB services making the total approx. $269,758.00. WOW! But not all the money in the world could make him better or buy me his life or let me keep him. Anyway, I just want to make sure that I take care of the details and what I am responsible for. We received a bill for $9,000.00 on 12/23, Merry freaking Christmas! He is long gone and why bills now. Don't like having anything outstanding. . .I guess that I figured out that everything will be taken care of, just BCBS of IL need to talk with BCBS of WI and they need to get medical records from CHOW and MCW, who needs to send then back to BCBS, yadayadayada. I just miss him and this is not something that I wish that I was dealing with. I just cant wait for the new year and our trip to Mexico. . .I think that I have gone on long enough and I feel like i have unloaded all my thoughts that run around and around in my head to ren and about my ren. I wish that things were different but they are not. I do need to get my act together, soon enough. . .I'm just trying to be were I'm at and enjoy the blessings that God has given me. Life is good and many women have lost many babies over the years and they get on and so will I.
Monday, awoke positive and since Marie and I were both working at our clinic in Franklin, we dropped the child off together and drove together. It was good. Helen was positively adorable in the am. And Marie says that I'm her person and this makes me feel good altho' I don't feel like we have really had any good time to talk lately, mostly related to me having fallen off the face of the world. The day was going great, or as well as can be expected until my aunt and two cousins show up at my work, like they haven't been across the yard for the last two days but now they have to interrupt my day at work and painfully remind me of the everything. She is just so awkward and I feel like she always want to morose and diagnose. She was going on about how she has to go back to work after being off for the last four months since she broke her foot the day before Renner's service so she was unable to make it and how bad she wanted to come and I'm so sorry, whatever. If you don't want to go back to work than don't, if you want to spend more time with your grandson, then do it, I mean, he is alive isn't he? UGH! I was totally combobulated after their visit, my heart hurt and it was hard to breathe. WTF! Anyway, finished out the day, good to be home with Helen and Donnie, who made grilled cheese and tomato soup with a huge spinach salad and then offered to take care of Helen's bedtime routine so I could go straight to bed, which I did. I love that we do pray together, Helen's bedtime prayer. I know taht I was cooked because I didn't write yesterday. I knew that I needed to and that I had a lot to get off my chest but I just couldn't. TOO TIRED!
So today, finally called the woman who lost a child. Jamie, the NP at one of our clinics gave me her number and thought it would be helpful for me. But all I got was her voicemail. Then I spent another two hours on the phone with our insurance company and the billing department of CHOW and MCW trying to figure out these bills. I added up all the monies billed for Renner's care totalled $246,657.00 approx. with $23,101.00 approx for OB services making the total approx. $269,758.00. WOW! But not all the money in the world could make him better or buy me his life or let me keep him. Anyway, I just want to make sure that I take care of the details and what I am responsible for. We received a bill for $9,000.00 on 12/23, Merry freaking Christmas! He is long gone and why bills now. Don't like having anything outstanding. . .I guess that I figured out that everything will be taken care of, just BCBS of IL need to talk with BCBS of WI and they need to get medical records from CHOW and MCW, who needs to send then back to BCBS, yadayadayada. I just miss him and this is not something that I wish that I was dealing with. I just cant wait for the new year and our trip to Mexico. . .I think that I have gone on long enough and I feel like i have unloaded all my thoughts that run around and around in my head to ren and about my ren. I wish that things were different but they are not. I do need to get my act together, soon enough. . .I'm just trying to be were I'm at and enjoy the blessings that God has given me. Life is good and many women have lost many babies over the years and they get on and so will I.
Dec 28, 2008
beat up
long day, too many details, some tears, some good times and some surprises. need to just make it till saturday. will write more later. . .the day just didn't go the way I expected but nothing ever does.
possibilities
It had been just pouring rain for at least the last 24 hours and there was this fog that enveloped everything because of the change in the temperatures and all the melting snow, very depressing yet cleansing. I had a thought yesterday that all the rain was the many accumulated tears of mothers over the years who have lost a child. And there are many. But this morning there is sunshine, thank God! I am hopeful.
Helen woke up this morning at 530 screaming, so I brought her to our bed and she wrapped her arms around me and fell asleep. She is so precious. Now we are up and the cinnamon rolls are baking, our Sunday morning tradition and she is playing in her kitchen, as I'm clicking away on my new laptop. Life is good.
Now, for the rest of the day. . .Lord, I pray the you renew me this morning during church and may my worship of you be sincere. I thank-you for the gifts that you have given me, even the painful ones.
Helen woke up this morning at 530 screaming, so I brought her to our bed and she wrapped her arms around me and fell asleep. She is so precious. Now we are up and the cinnamon rolls are baking, our Sunday morning tradition and she is playing in her kitchen, as I'm clicking away on my new laptop. Life is good.
Now, for the rest of the day. . .Lord, I pray the you renew me this morning during church and may my worship of you be sincere. I thank-you for the gifts that you have given me, even the painful ones.
Dec 27, 2008
i had forgotten his sweet beautiful precious innocent time
I received this entry on Renner's guestbook yesterday and it reminded me of the precious time I spent with my son in the NICU before I knew. Holding him there in that blue recliner in our pod with a window view, a small slice of the world as the summer passed by. I had such good times with him and with the other ladies (esp. Michelle, Susan, Julie and Barb) that God brought into my life, to care for ren and me.
Ruth, Donnie, Helen and little Angel Renner,
I think of your family often and wanted to share this with you...I thought it was a perfect testament to what Renner's short life meant to so many of us...It is lengthy, but well worth the read :o)
This is a story that I wanted to share about how God chooses to use His children."Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart...""You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted.The surgeon looked up, annoyed. "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done...""But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy.The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up and I'll plan what to do next.""But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart. I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well.""You'll find Jesus too. He lives there."The surgeon left.The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration. No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy: painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis:," here he paused, "death within one year." He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud. "Why did You do this? You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"The Lord answered and said, "The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock and will forever be. Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain and will be comforted as you cannot imagine. His parents will one day join him here and they will know peace and My flock will continue to grow."The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy and You created that heart. He'll be dead in months. Why?"The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for he has done his duty: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb."The surgeon wept. The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?""Yes," said the surgeon."What did you find?" asked the boy."I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.
Thank you to your family & little Angel Renner for helping show me, again, how powerful & wonderful God's love is...May God bless you always as you continue to do his work.
I know that there is a reason for all this. I so strongly felt God's presence then and now I need to open the door of my heart and loosen my grip on trying to control my grief and everythingelse around me. I had to operate on automatic for a while to recuperate but I feel strongly now that I was trying too hard on my own and that is not where God wants me. Please pray that He will melt the bitterness and saddness from my heart and fill me with His peace and joy.
Ruth, Donnie, Helen and little Angel Renner,
I think of your family often and wanted to share this with you...I thought it was a perfect testament to what Renner's short life meant to so many of us...It is lengthy, but well worth the read :o)
This is a story that I wanted to share about how God chooses to use His children."Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart...""You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted.The surgeon looked up, annoyed. "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done...""But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy.The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up and I'll plan what to do next.""But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart. I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well.""You'll find Jesus too. He lives there."The surgeon left.The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration. No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy: painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis:," here he paused, "death within one year." He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud. "Why did You do this? You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"The Lord answered and said, "The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock and will forever be. Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain and will be comforted as you cannot imagine. His parents will one day join him here and they will know peace and My flock will continue to grow."The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy and You created that heart. He'll be dead in months. Why?"The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for he has done his duty: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb."The surgeon wept. The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?""Yes," said the surgeon."What did you find?" asked the boy."I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.
Thank you to your family & little Angel Renner for helping show me, again, how powerful & wonderful God's love is...May God bless you always as you continue to do his work.
I know that there is a reason for all this. I so strongly felt God's presence then and now I need to open the door of my heart and loosen my grip on trying to control my grief and everythingelse around me. I had to operate on automatic for a while to recuperate but I feel strongly now that I was trying too hard on my own and that is not where God wants me. Please pray that He will melt the bitterness and saddness from my heart and fill me with His peace and joy.
ten years
Actually feeling semi normal this evening. Donnie picked up an extra side job today so a little cash in the pocket always helps. Had a good morning with my friend, drinking starbucks and pursuing Sam's. Took a nap with Helen in her toddler bed, squished, but these are the tender moments that I wouldn't give up for the world and what do I have to do that is more important. My dear husband knows me so well and actually suggested that we take down and clean up the christmas decorations. This was so good. I'm glad that the holidays are over and I actually feel like a weight has lifted. Did have a brief moment of anxiety this evening when my mom called to tell me that my aunt and two cousins were in town visiting and did we what to get together tonight, over there or here or tomorrow and I was like too many choices and I'm not really up for anything and I just want to be alone with my husband and daughter and I don't want to make small talk and I don't want to talk about anything but esp. how we are doing. . . plus it is our anniversary and tomorrow is another day and just as well as a fine option to get together. I was vaccilating on whether or not to go to church tomorrow, I have worked it out so that I am avoiding the things that hurt too much but one of the moms who also lost her son said that she understands where I'm coming from but that she MADE herself go because she believes that it is imperative to healthy healing, which is of course what I desire. Maybe that is why I have more peace tonight. Running away doesn't help. I have so many things that I need to do to get back on track. I feel like I have all these thoughts running throught my head, like I need to write a thank-you letter to everyone who was so supportive during our time with Renner. That is just the way I was taught/raised but there was such an overwhelming amount of cards and so much generosity and I was just so exhausted. . .I do think tho that getting all those addresses down and accomplishing this huge undertaking in the new year of course, not tonight will help me to feel like I CAN DO THIS! I also need to work on my picture books. I need to scrapbook a nice book for Renner. I know that I will always appreciate that. It has just been so painful to remember all those times when we were so blissfully ignorant of that fact that he had a nonviable brain pattern. Who cares about a little hydrocephalus and needing a vp shunt, that is minor, we can do anything that he needs like PT, OT and speech but now he is gone and all I have are these perfect pictures of my beautiful son who has so damaged at the microscopic level that even his doctors still don't have an actual diagnosis. I read a book by a mother who had to let her son go also, I think that it was called The Blue Poppy and The Mustard Seed. She said this, "Perfect and severely damaged all at the same time. I could love him and I could let him go too. Fire could float on water." I related, of course. I feel like my life is such a dicatomy. Sweet and Bitter. Happy and Sad. Perfect and Horrible. Anyway, I digress. I also need to start my marathon training. I've paid for the first Kenosha marathon, May 2nd. This will be my second marathon and again, postpartum so I'm just looking to finish and get back in shape, sort of need to quit smoking again, opps. See, I have so much that I feel like I need to do and accomplish and when I'm being sucked into the black hole vaccuum, all is lost and seems impossible but I need to cling to HIM. Well, the hubby is having problems with the new laptop so I have to sign off for the night but I'm going to be ok for at least another day and hopefully for another ten years, God willing.
Dec 26, 2008
it's working
Ok, so long day, felt like a Monday. Worked today and we were just slammed because have to get everyone in who couldn't get treated or see on Thursday since it was the holiday. But, back to the point. I got my first comment from a mom who lost her son, Megan and I'm just so excited to be and feel connected. Thank-you, Megan for reaching out to me. I actually found your site also a couple of days ago before I finally got this one going and I'm not going to lie, your blog is beautiful and I love what you are doing with the boxes and you and your girls are beautiful and you were one of the blog that I felt incredibly intimidated by but I can do this and this is helping! I'm sorry that my writing has been sub par but that is just where I'm at right now.
I'm still wondering if I am actually clinically depressed and if medications are an option. I'm afraid of meds. I know that we just desperately need this vacation and I'm hoping to reevaluate things when we get back, if I survive that long. I just feel like I can't pull myself up by my own bootstraps anymore. I'm too tired. No matter how much effort I put in, I just can't and I know this is where God comes in but . . .and it is not like He has left me or I have left Him, I just feel this heaviness that almost seems beyond myself because in reality, logically, we are going to be ok, my ren is not sick or handicapped or suffering, he is in heaven made perfect and whole with Jesus, I have my adorable husband and daughter, we will survive and then ultimately, this life doesn't matter either and we have eternal life. . .but on a day by day basis, minute by minute, I can't breathe, I can't focus, I can't think and I hyperventilate at the smallest of things or things totally out of my control and this is not like me.
Today, at work, I got all choked about a poor woman who isn't even in her right mind anymore and her family doesn't get it and they just want to keep treating her with the chemo and I want to be like, it is ok to let go, hospice is a great option, I did it, yes, it hurts but there is a beauty in letting your loved one go peacefully and comfortable.
So, anyway, like I said, we were bombed at work which can be good so that I don't have to think, I can just work. But I missed Helen and I hate having to drop her off at the sitters and I had even forgotten to confirm that I needed my sitter for today. Opps! H was so cute this evening playing in her new kitchen that she got for christmas from grandma and grandpa lehmann. I just makes me so sad when she plays with her babies. She would have been such a great big sister to Renner. She talks about him frequently and all her babies are Renner. She says that he is in heaven with Jesus. I just wonder how much she comprehends and how this will all effect her. Are we going to have more children? Lord, knows, I'm just nowhere right now.
Ok, so back to this whole blogging thing. Good news, my thoughtful husband got me my first laptop for Christmas even tho' I feel like I don't need it and I certainly don't deserve it. He thought that it would be a good idea for me to have available for me to blog, therapeautic, etc. We were going to get a laptop when Renner was sick because his caring bridge site was so amazingly useful and encouraging. www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyrenner. But then when we learned that he did not have a viable brain pattern and that he was going to die, I thought that we did not need a laptop anymore. We have so much and I don't need or want any of it or anything else, all I wanted was to have a boy. Yes, I know, I probably have idols in my heart that I've made or continue to make. But writing on the caringbridge was so good for me and I still check on him at least a dozen times a day, the only problem, ok, several, was that then we used it for my sister Joy's emergency and what can I say after that, plus I had a few unwanted followers with unsolicited advice, which I have to prepare myself, I might get here. It is wierd to pour your heart out and need that connection with other moms who have lost but I bristle when people who have not lost a loss like this try to tell me what to do or feel or say. This loss is so very different and difficult. I frequently can't even think of lossing my son because the reality is still just too horrific and too much of a nightmare and no way this really happened to me. And so I write.
I don't know how to blog and I really want to have a cool site and be all graphicy and post buttons from my other deadbabymommas that I have never and maybe will never meet, but I don't know how but I will learn. You all inspire me. So here is to, it is working. . .one day at a time.
Tomorrow is our 10 year anniversary, hopefully, we will not fight. Donnie is picking up a side job in the am and I'm having my best friend over, she's bringing the Starbucks. No plans as of yet for the evening?. . .maybe we should go out on a date. . .I'm forever planning dates and then cancelling at the last minute because I just don't feel up to it or I don't want to leave Helen. I know, I'm a bad wife, or maybe we will just ignore that it is our anniversary and just act like it is another day.
I do need to work on finding us a support group for grieving couples. I have a few leads but haven't committed to anything. I also was given the name and number of a mom who lost her baby and my homework from some of the great girls that I work with is to call her but what do I say? How do I not do it tho? We will see. . .
I know lots of trailing thoughts, see what happens when I get a laptop and time to myself. . .also please pray for one of my old friends from high school. I just recently learned that she is going through a rough and I'm sure troubled time. Her name is Melissa.
Life is not easy and sin and hardship shouldn't surprise us but I'm quick to invite in self pity and I don't want her to stay. I want to get on living my life, fully to His glory with JOY!!!
I'm still wondering if I am actually clinically depressed and if medications are an option. I'm afraid of meds. I know that we just desperately need this vacation and I'm hoping to reevaluate things when we get back, if I survive that long. I just feel like I can't pull myself up by my own bootstraps anymore. I'm too tired. No matter how much effort I put in, I just can't and I know this is where God comes in but . . .and it is not like He has left me or I have left Him, I just feel this heaviness that almost seems beyond myself because in reality, logically, we are going to be ok, my ren is not sick or handicapped or suffering, he is in heaven made perfect and whole with Jesus, I have my adorable husband and daughter, we will survive and then ultimately, this life doesn't matter either and we have eternal life. . .but on a day by day basis, minute by minute, I can't breathe, I can't focus, I can't think and I hyperventilate at the smallest of things or things totally out of my control and this is not like me.
Today, at work, I got all choked about a poor woman who isn't even in her right mind anymore and her family doesn't get it and they just want to keep treating her with the chemo and I want to be like, it is ok to let go, hospice is a great option, I did it, yes, it hurts but there is a beauty in letting your loved one go peacefully and comfortable.
So, anyway, like I said, we were bombed at work which can be good so that I don't have to think, I can just work. But I missed Helen and I hate having to drop her off at the sitters and I had even forgotten to confirm that I needed my sitter for today. Opps! H was so cute this evening playing in her new kitchen that she got for christmas from grandma and grandpa lehmann. I just makes me so sad when she plays with her babies. She would have been such a great big sister to Renner. She talks about him frequently and all her babies are Renner. She says that he is in heaven with Jesus. I just wonder how much she comprehends and how this will all effect her. Are we going to have more children? Lord, knows, I'm just nowhere right now.
Ok, so back to this whole blogging thing. Good news, my thoughtful husband got me my first laptop for Christmas even tho' I feel like I don't need it and I certainly don't deserve it. He thought that it would be a good idea for me to have available for me to blog, therapeautic, etc. We were going to get a laptop when Renner was sick because his caring bridge site was so amazingly useful and encouraging. www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyrenner. But then when we learned that he did not have a viable brain pattern and that he was going to die, I thought that we did not need a laptop anymore. We have so much and I don't need or want any of it or anything else, all I wanted was to have a boy. Yes, I know, I probably have idols in my heart that I've made or continue to make. But writing on the caringbridge was so good for me and I still check on him at least a dozen times a day, the only problem, ok, several, was that then we used it for my sister Joy's emergency and what can I say after that, plus I had a few unwanted followers with unsolicited advice, which I have to prepare myself, I might get here. It is wierd to pour your heart out and need that connection with other moms who have lost but I bristle when people who have not lost a loss like this try to tell me what to do or feel or say. This loss is so very different and difficult. I frequently can't even think of lossing my son because the reality is still just too horrific and too much of a nightmare and no way this really happened to me. And so I write.
I don't know how to blog and I really want to have a cool site and be all graphicy and post buttons from my other deadbabymommas that I have never and maybe will never meet, but I don't know how but I will learn. You all inspire me. So here is to, it is working. . .one day at a time.
Tomorrow is our 10 year anniversary, hopefully, we will not fight. Donnie is picking up a side job in the am and I'm having my best friend over, she's bringing the Starbucks. No plans as of yet for the evening?. . .maybe we should go out on a date. . .I'm forever planning dates and then cancelling at the last minute because I just don't feel up to it or I don't want to leave Helen. I know, I'm a bad wife, or maybe we will just ignore that it is our anniversary and just act like it is another day.
I do need to work on finding us a support group for grieving couples. I have a few leads but haven't committed to anything. I also was given the name and number of a mom who lost her baby and my homework from some of the great girls that I work with is to call her but what do I say? How do I not do it tho? We will see. . .
I know lots of trailing thoughts, see what happens when I get a laptop and time to myself. . .also please pray for one of my old friends from high school. I just recently learned that she is going through a rough and I'm sure troubled time. Her name is Melissa.
Life is not easy and sin and hardship shouldn't surprise us but I'm quick to invite in self pity and I don't want her to stay. I want to get on living my life, fully to His glory with JOY!!!
Dec 25, 2008
Happy Birthday Jesus and 6 months birthday to renner
I'm at a lost but I just wanted to love on my son for a minute. I will write more later but I'm too sad and too tired. I just miss him so much. Please tell me that next year will be easier. . .
Dec 24, 2008
pictures
so, i just opened today pictures from our last days with ren. i just miss him so much. sometimes, it is so hard to believe that this even happened. is this nightmare really for real? i feel so lost. he was so precious. . .why do babies have to die?
Dec 23, 2008
therapeutic
So, yesterday was very good for me. From a bunny rabbit reminding me of my ren to some tears in a very safe and loving clinic, I wore myself out. I have some good ideas to follow up on but for now, I have enjoyed just being today. The snow continues, all day but I have my Helen and for now, that is more than good enough.
Dec 22, 2008
time
I have felt the need to write. I miss my renner and I'm just not sure how to help myself so I am starting this blog. I don't know what I am doing and I feel so insignificant but also that I might suffocate if I don't put it down in black and white. On Christmas Day, "Merry Christmas", I should be holding and nursing my six month old son, Renner but instead my arms will be empty, my breasts are empty and flat, my stomach is fat and flabby and my chest is tight, heavy and can't catch my very own breath. Six days later, 12/31/08, he will be gone for 4 months. Happy New Year! I can't say that I'm bitter, just incredibly sad. . .We struggle. Life goes on. At least, I have have Helen and Donnie, who are way more than I deserve and I adore them. But how does one come to gripes with this kind of loss. I feel as tho' one whole year of my life is wasted. I remember last Christmas, being to excited to be pregnant and to have a sibling for Helen. Was I asking for or expecting too much? Everyone else seems to be doing it?! I just don't understand. I wish that I could know what went wrong and why his brain didn't work. What happened? It all feels like a very bad nightmare. Could this really have happened? NO, this kind of thing doesn't happen to me, my life is perfect. WHY?!!! How come I couldn't keep him? Why do I have to learn these hard lessons? I'm at a loss. What did I do wrong? I felt as tho God carried me during those two months and 6 days of his life and for the insuing weeks that followed as we took care of the details and rearranged and settled back to a life without our son but now? I know that I have faith and that God saved me from myself but why am I not doing better? I feel like I'm trying to figure out what our life should look like and be now. Having just Helen makes me so much more free yet tied down at the same time. She doesn't really need me but she constantly says and cries that she "wants momma", sometimes I feel trapped by this and I wonder what she would do if I just wasn't here anymore. She has had to go through so much already for just being two, I couldn't do that to her, I couldn't leave her or Donnie but so many times, I just want to quit, to cease to exist. . .I just don't care. Donnie always tells me that I need to start caring and I do to some extent but I feel like I have a big gaping hole in my world and the hole is vacuum where everything is getting sucked out. I don't feel like exercising. I don't care what I eat, but somehow, I still manage to put away quite a bit of food. I have trouble sleeping, like now. . .so here, I am, rambling. I have had a really hard time getting my breath lately and sometimes, I feel like I have chest pains, is it just my grief or is there something more serious? I don't want anyone to think that I'm a raving lunatic, altho, I'm not really too sure that isn't too far from the truth. Trying to read through a devotion called Overcoming Adversity in 31 Days by Joni Erikson Tada. Now, she has gone through a lot but I'm just not sure that I can compare our situations. She is a very good writer but can I be better in 31 days? Yesterday was day 21, so we will see. I have so many things that I have let slip. I wonder if Renner is disappointed in me? I wonder if he thinks of me. . .We didn't go to church yesterday for the third week, altho, last week we were technically in a church, it just wasn't ours. I just can't handle the overwhelming pressure, to see all the pregnant women, all the live baby boys, all the nursing moms, all the shining, happy people with their large families, hearing the songs that we sang for our Renner. I can't sit there for an hour and keep a smile on my face, the tears pours down my cheeks. I feel sick just typing this. It is weird how much I am really bothered by all this, writing is so therapeutic. I know that God understands and that I just need time. I'm trying to allow myself and our family time. I wish to skip ahead a few years when the pain is a little more dull. So, yesterday, instead of going to church, we set up Helen's toddler bed. At times, it is hard to move forward, altho' change is good, I bought the toddler bed since Renner would have been moving into the crib from the cradle in our room and now, without him here, we don't need to necessarily make the transition. TIME, to heal, to move past all these memories, my thought are filled with the details of his short life, what could I have done differently, what should I have done, I just miss him and what could have been so much! This is NOT the way our life was supposed to be. WHY! Less than two weeks till we go to Mexico. Advice to grieving moms, get away, take a vacation, we should have gone so much sooner, I just need a break, but without vacation time left because our son was sick and dying and then DIED, we just need to get away, get some prespective, enjoy each other, get some sunshine and warmth, haha. Got my friend last night and I'm never so grateful to see my blood. NOT ready to be pregnant again! Sometimes, I think why not? but I'm just so tired and I'm not done abusing my own body yet for something that I had no control over. I'm too scared. I just don't know if Icould go through that again. I don't think that I want to try to replace our renner. I was just so happy and excited to have this child, our son. I love everything about him. He was perfect. He was just so precious. WHY! I hestitated to start this blog. I have felt the need to write but where and how. I hate journals! I'm so computer illiterate. I have been reading a smattering of blogs written by other moms who have had children die. I appreciate that many of them are Christians and I hope that eventually, my faith will shine through my misery like theirs does. They are so well written and give all the glory to God, as I hesitated, I thought that I couldn't do this as well as they do, with their cute nicknames, blog designs and pictures but at 3am when I couldn't sleep. . .here I am, now to go workout, trying to keep my head above water. Need to accomplish certain things to feel alive. Renner, I miss you so much and especially, the possibility of you. I miss your smell and your soft skin. I miss your warmth and our very special times together. I would go to the ends of the earth for you. . .I'm so sorry that I can't be your mom here on earth. Selfishly, I wish that I could have kept you here with me. I am so glad that you are safe in the arms of Jesus, tho. I'm so sad but happy that you get to spend your first Christmas, in heaven, with Jesus. I just wish that you were here with us.
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