Jan 31, 2009
five months
seems like forever, seems like just yesterday. . .ren, i love you and miss you so much, i have a hard time imagining joining you in heaven and getting to spend eternity with you and Jesus where I will always be happy because for now you are missing and my heart is hurting and empty and i just want you here with me. I know that you are perfect there, resting in Jesus' arms but I just wish that I could see more clearly now, the whys and the hows, but now through a glass dimly and then I will see and know clearly. We are finally getting more tapped into the support that we need for our situation and this is just bringing up and back all the details and I live and play back many moments and days that we had together and I feel raw. nothing or no one will ever be you, ren and no one will replace you, it is just you that I miss and love. I am doing better than I was, maybe you asked God to pour grace down on me and ease my hurt. Thank-you.
Jan 30, 2009
missing you
sometimes it really hits that you are gone, it seems like forever, but i can't wait to be reunited with you in heaven, i wish i knew why, NOW and why we couldn't keep you, i want to fastforward to when we can be together again and past all this hurt and the deep empty hole where my happy heart used to be, i can't believe that this is how God thought my life should go. . .missing you and the possiblities of you-your mom
Jan 28, 2009
megan from the greatest blessing said I could share this from her blog
mothering my son from afar
>Spending time in God's word. The One that holds my baby now, is able to speak directly to me. While holding my little man. (the visual is a killer!)
>Prayer. If he is now with God, in His very presence, it makes sense that my prayers are being heard by a pair of very small, very cute little ears.(Hi Macsen! Mommy loves you!)
>Tending to my temple. If God lives within my temple, then taking extra good care of it is no less an act of worship. What is my son doing right now? Worshipping God! Move over Mercy Me! NOT
>Fellowshipping with other believers. These are people that we will be with for all of eternity! Why on earth would we not want to know them, mingle with them, and celebrate them? Macsen is in the presence of saints too! Saints...please picture that in your minds eye. It's all I can do to not fall down on my face right now!
>Making the most of the time I have been given here on earth. God has filled each of us with talents, gifts, interests, ideas, and personalities to be used of Him! Letting Him use us, and dieing to self? What a good example that is to your children. Children here! Children there!
Loving my family. Being all that I can be to his sisters. All that I can, considering all the other seas I am swimming right now. Showing them love. Joy. Acceptance. Peace. Wisdom. Truth. Celebrating their uniqueness and reminding them OFTEN that they are loved by a God that is perfect, and doesn't make mistakes like mommy's and daddy's. He is always there! Always true! (Then I say.....one day, your baby brother will tell you all about HIM!)
>Press on dear one! There is absolute HOPE IN HEAVEN! MAKE IT, AND IT'S KING YOUR OBSESSION!!!!!! Something tells me, WE WILL NEVER REGRET IT!
I just loved this vision and this idea and it really helped me to put things in perspective but that was so last week and already, I obviously digress!!! I asked Megan if I could post this on my blog as a reminder to myself and if I could share it with my small group at church so that they would and could know how to pray for me but then I faltered and didn't share and didn't post until I got her comment tonight as I finally sat down to write. I need to write here every day because it helps me so much to get my thoughts down and how things are going and what has happened but I'm just so tired and never feel like I have time for myself. Can I whine and complain anymore?!!!
>Spending time in God's word. The One that holds my baby now, is able to speak directly to me. While holding my little man. (the visual is a killer!)
>Prayer. If he is now with God, in His very presence, it makes sense that my prayers are being heard by a pair of very small, very cute little ears.(Hi Macsen! Mommy loves you!)
>Tending to my temple. If God lives within my temple, then taking extra good care of it is no less an act of worship. What is my son doing right now? Worshipping God! Move over Mercy Me! NOT
>Fellowshipping with other believers. These are people that we will be with for all of eternity! Why on earth would we not want to know them, mingle with them, and celebrate them? Macsen is in the presence of saints too! Saints...please picture that in your minds eye. It's all I can do to not fall down on my face right now!
>Making the most of the time I have been given here on earth. God has filled each of us with talents, gifts, interests, ideas, and personalities to be used of Him! Letting Him use us, and dieing to self? What a good example that is to your children. Children here! Children there!
Loving my family. Being all that I can be to his sisters. All that I can, considering all the other seas I am swimming right now. Showing them love. Joy. Acceptance. Peace. Wisdom. Truth. Celebrating their uniqueness and reminding them OFTEN that they are loved by a God that is perfect, and doesn't make mistakes like mommy's and daddy's. He is always there! Always true! (Then I say.....one day, your baby brother will tell you all about HIM!)
>Press on dear one! There is absolute HOPE IN HEAVEN! MAKE IT, AND IT'S KING YOUR OBSESSION!!!!!! Something tells me, WE WILL NEVER REGRET IT!
I just loved this vision and this idea and it really helped me to put things in perspective but that was so last week and already, I obviously digress!!! I asked Megan if I could post this on my blog as a reminder to myself and if I could share it with my small group at church so that they would and could know how to pray for me but then I faltered and didn't share and didn't post until I got her comment tonight as I finally sat down to write. I need to write here every day because it helps me so much to get my thoughts down and how things are going and what has happened but I'm just so tired and never feel like I have time for myself. Can I whine and complain anymore?!!!
sick
So, H and I have had the flu for the last few days and I feel like I've lost my momentum. I'm just so sick and tired and I'm sick and tired of being depressed and not getting anywhere and not doing or being a better person and mother and wife. I haven't run for the last four days and it makes me nervous that I will never be able to run again and that I won't be able to do the marathon May 2nd that I've paid for and I just feel like I'm losing it. Too much diarrhea and too laundry.
I had all these plans for this week and have had to cancel, one of which I was really looking forward to, Tuesday night, the last Tuesday of every month is a grieving parents support group that I thought might really help Donnie and me but Helen had such bad diarrhea and I felt alittle nervous myself so instead we stayed home and watched Dr. Seuss Horton hears a Who which is really cute but I feel like every time I try to make plans for Donnie and myself, Helen is always sick or I can't break myself away from her and we never spend quality time together and he is leaving for the city for the next three weeks and will be home on weekends but I have to go on and on and I will miss him and he is acting up and feeling more blue and depressed because he is anticipating missing and leaving us and really our life isn't that bad but ugh!!! Every little thing sends me over the edge.
I have had these last two weeks alot more in my face about infant loss. I learned that a long time friend of the family lost one of her twins, 13 years ago and then I met a mom face to face who had lost her son 29 years ago to hydrocephalus and then received an email from another mom who was the patient of the doctor I met in Cozumel who had learned at 35 weeks that her son had hydrocephalus and they did comfort cares only at birth and what she wrote spoke to Donnie's and my heart and brought us to tears. I also was finally able to connect with a mom from Margaretann's Place who we have been playing phone tag for over 6 weeks. We talked on the phone for over an hour and she gave me helpful ideas and shared her story of loosing her second daughter at 7 weeks to SIDS just five years ago. Then I was able to connect with a man and his wife who lost there daughter one years ago to leukemia at the age of three and half after battling for three years, we are going to get together with them this Saturday (God-willing) just to connect and get some help and ideas. I did call Margaret Ann's Place and set up an intake interview with Helen and I for this Friday and then I scheduled a therapy session for myself for next Wednesday so I feel like I'm headed in the right direction but ugh then the flu. Marie and I had even ran 8 miles Saturday in the 5 degree temps and we were so proud of ourselves.
Sunday was really hard. I sobbed in church through almost the whole thing. We sang Through the Precious Blood in the beginning which is one of Ren's and my song from the hospital and then the sermon was about suffering and sorrow and when it feel like God has abandoned you and I was like yes, and I have to believe that He is with me and that I need not be afraid and that He is my strong tower. The we sand The Lord IS which is another one of Ren's and my favorite songs that we listened to over and over again in the hospital and then sang at his celebration of life service. I was crying so hard and you thing that I would be doing better or that I would be over this, Where does all this grief come from and why does it hurt so much!!!
Niki Neal the mom who lost her daughter to SIDS said that I'm pushing myself to hard and that I'm expecting too much. I feel like I'm drowning and accomplishing nothing! I really want to get Renner's pictures done and also work on writing and getting out a thank-you letter to everyone. I feel like this will bring me some closure but I'm barely existing. I feel like if I get the laundry done and don't let the dishes pile up that is all I can handle. I have no extra energy and I feel like I'm slowly dying or maybe it is just that i wish I was dying so I could see and hold my Ren again. Even busted is having a boy. Everywhere I turn people are pregnant and having babies. My good friend Naomi is 7wks pregnant after trying for 15 months since losing their son at 16 wks to placental abruption and I'm so happy and excited and scared for her and I pray that God protect her and their unborn child and that He blesses them with every good and perfect gift. I just don't know if I will ever be ready to get pregnant again. I'm just so scared and tired. I know that I need to just get over this but I'm stuck.
We had a sisters coffee Sunday afternoon that I felt went fairly well but then. . .car issues. My sister Joy was in a car accident just a little over a week ago Tuesday, she and the car she hit were pretty totally but praise God, noone was hurt and no one was killed!!! and we are all trying to help out but she is very ungrateful. I'm very frustrated with my family and feel like I don't have the energy or the mental and emotional capacity to deal with this trivial and trifle drama. The usual!I'm frustrated with this life and just want to move as far away from everything as possible.
I was just reading up on an old friend of mine who is now a "life coach" and trying to decide what resuming that friendship would look like esp. now when I'm so fragile and it didn't end well last time. She did come to Renner's living wake at our home that Saturday which was the first time I had seen her in like three years. I just don't know. . .
Sunday night Donnie and I both had dreams/nightmares. Donnie dreamt that Renner died all alone in the hospital while we were just sitting at home watching a moniter and I dreamt that a girl on the football team just delivered her baby right there on the field and didn't want the baby and no one would help me save the baby. I just hate hearing about people who don't even want the blessings that God has given them and I never understand why we weren't allowed to keep our Renner. Was I not a good enough mom, could I not have been able to handle two kids let alone one with a disability. He was mine! Why did God want him back? I know that our children are just gifts from God and that that are really His but seriously WHY?!!!
I had all these plans for this week and have had to cancel, one of which I was really looking forward to, Tuesday night, the last Tuesday of every month is a grieving parents support group that I thought might really help Donnie and me but Helen had such bad diarrhea and I felt alittle nervous myself so instead we stayed home and watched Dr. Seuss Horton hears a Who which is really cute but I feel like every time I try to make plans for Donnie and myself, Helen is always sick or I can't break myself away from her and we never spend quality time together and he is leaving for the city for the next three weeks and will be home on weekends but I have to go on and on and I will miss him and he is acting up and feeling more blue and depressed because he is anticipating missing and leaving us and really our life isn't that bad but ugh!!! Every little thing sends me over the edge.
I have had these last two weeks alot more in my face about infant loss. I learned that a long time friend of the family lost one of her twins, 13 years ago and then I met a mom face to face who had lost her son 29 years ago to hydrocephalus and then received an email from another mom who was the patient of the doctor I met in Cozumel who had learned at 35 weeks that her son had hydrocephalus and they did comfort cares only at birth and what she wrote spoke to Donnie's and my heart and brought us to tears. I also was finally able to connect with a mom from Margaretann's Place who we have been playing phone tag for over 6 weeks. We talked on the phone for over an hour and she gave me helpful ideas and shared her story of loosing her second daughter at 7 weeks to SIDS just five years ago. Then I was able to connect with a man and his wife who lost there daughter one years ago to leukemia at the age of three and half after battling for three years, we are going to get together with them this Saturday (God-willing) just to connect and get some help and ideas. I did call Margaret Ann's Place and set up an intake interview with Helen and I for this Friday and then I scheduled a therapy session for myself for next Wednesday so I feel like I'm headed in the right direction but ugh then the flu. Marie and I had even ran 8 miles Saturday in the 5 degree temps and we were so proud of ourselves.
Sunday was really hard. I sobbed in church through almost the whole thing. We sang Through the Precious Blood in the beginning which is one of Ren's and my song from the hospital and then the sermon was about suffering and sorrow and when it feel like God has abandoned you and I was like yes, and I have to believe that He is with me and that I need not be afraid and that He is my strong tower. The we sand The Lord IS which is another one of Ren's and my favorite songs that we listened to over and over again in the hospital and then sang at his celebration of life service. I was crying so hard and you thing that I would be doing better or that I would be over this, Where does all this grief come from and why does it hurt so much!!!
Niki Neal the mom who lost her daughter to SIDS said that I'm pushing myself to hard and that I'm expecting too much. I feel like I'm drowning and accomplishing nothing! I really want to get Renner's pictures done and also work on writing and getting out a thank-you letter to everyone. I feel like this will bring me some closure but I'm barely existing. I feel like if I get the laundry done and don't let the dishes pile up that is all I can handle. I have no extra energy and I feel like I'm slowly dying or maybe it is just that i wish I was dying so I could see and hold my Ren again. Even busted is having a boy. Everywhere I turn people are pregnant and having babies. My good friend Naomi is 7wks pregnant after trying for 15 months since losing their son at 16 wks to placental abruption and I'm so happy and excited and scared for her and I pray that God protect her and their unborn child and that He blesses them with every good and perfect gift. I just don't know if I will ever be ready to get pregnant again. I'm just so scared and tired. I know that I need to just get over this but I'm stuck.
We had a sisters coffee Sunday afternoon that I felt went fairly well but then. . .car issues. My sister Joy was in a car accident just a little over a week ago Tuesday, she and the car she hit were pretty totally but praise God, noone was hurt and no one was killed!!! and we are all trying to help out but she is very ungrateful. I'm very frustrated with my family and feel like I don't have the energy or the mental and emotional capacity to deal with this trivial and trifle drama. The usual!I'm frustrated with this life and just want to move as far away from everything as possible.
I was just reading up on an old friend of mine who is now a "life coach" and trying to decide what resuming that friendship would look like esp. now when I'm so fragile and it didn't end well last time. She did come to Renner's living wake at our home that Saturday which was the first time I had seen her in like three years. I just don't know. . .
Sunday night Donnie and I both had dreams/nightmares. Donnie dreamt that Renner died all alone in the hospital while we were just sitting at home watching a moniter and I dreamt that a girl on the football team just delivered her baby right there on the field and didn't want the baby and no one would help me save the baby. I just hate hearing about people who don't even want the blessings that God has given them and I never understand why we weren't allowed to keep our Renner. Was I not a good enough mom, could I not have been able to handle two kids let alone one with a disability. He was mine! Why did God want him back? I know that our children are just gifts from God and that that are really His but seriously WHY?!!!
Jan 18, 2009
ok
Running again. It is so good for my soul and my wellbeing. We are going to be ok. Sometimes, I have just an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss but life continues to return to normal. I need to write here more but who has the time. Lots to do since we are back from Mexico. I feel I have so many things that I want to organize and clean and get done. One day at a time. From our sermon today, I need to trust, delight and wait on the Lord and all the rest will follow. We just need time. I wish that I could see into the future or fastforward but thus is life. If I had known what the last six months would bring, what would have changed or what could have been different. Newsflash, I'm not in charge. I just wish I had some direction but I guess, trusting in, delighting in and waiting on the Lord is pretty clear, right?! Running is always good.
Jan 13, 2009
back
today was almost such a normal day that sometimes it feels like he was never here and that this never happened. . .life goes on, i just wonder what our life would be like with him, i struggled so bad these last few weeks and now i have to get back to normal, i have to do this, i can't go on, i have to get my butt in gear, i have to keep living and it sucks. i just miss him and the old happy me and what i thought our life would be like.
Jan 2, 2009
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