1000 gifts

0001 - ann voskamp
0002- getting started
0003- grace
0004- snow falling
0005- daughter asleep in my bed
0006- husband watching football
0007- work
0008- sleep
0009- the WORD
0010- possibilities

struggles

I am so sorry that I have not yet taken the time to encourage you or to let you in on how I am doing. Since the women's conference I have been in one of the most difficult struggles yet. I felt as tho' the devil was not pleased with the progress I was making. I knew that it would be difficult to proceed forward but I had no idea how difficult it would be. I have done alot of heart work and struggle since Renner died. I have really struggled with fear and anxiety. I want to know why and what it the plan and the meaning of losing our child. Prior to and then the women's conference really reinforced my heart's desire to have more children and to be at home. I had picked up a little book at the conference called How to Have More Children Who Follow Christ. I started reading Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. I was met with resistance by my husband who isn't ready to have more children. I started my downward spiral. I struggle with using alcohol to feel as bad physically as I do mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I use it when I am angry. I use it because I think that I deserve a break, to relax, to escape. I have used alcohol since being a teenager. I come from an alcoholic family. I am also a nurse and frequently healthcare providers have substance abuse problems because it is a way to numb and deal with the constant pouring out of one's self. I had stopped drinking 2004 completely by the power of God. I was never tempted and enjoyed the freedom and clarity. I was helped to see that it was a poison that would not bring me salvation or eternal life and that it would only bring death. But then since having my child die in my arms and not understanding why, when I thought I was following God's will by having children and being a stay at home mom, and then having everything ripped out from underneath me. I do know what it means to be HELD by HIM but in my flesh and sinful nature, I have dabbled with drinking again. I have used it to medicate. Anyway, so after the conference, I was doing ok, trying to justify my drinking and trying not to do it that much or trying to control it but God wants complete obedience and total surrender. I was downward spiralling, I was frustrated. I was almost suicidal. I did not see the point to my life. November 20th, my husband was gone fishing and my daughter was in bed and I was on the phone to my sister in Guatemala, I proceeded to drink two bottles of wine. The next day Sunday, I felt terrible. The previous Monday, I had been at a friends house that was about 45minutes away from home and had been drinking and then drove home. I am not sure how I made it home. These two events grabbed my attention. I am saved by grace. God loves me and He is for me. I needed to let go and be free. My sister had challenged the whole family to start using the one year bible again. As I read, "my soul is weary with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word" Psalm 119:28, I felt like God heard my cry. I also read in 1Peter, be self-controlled, crave pure spiritual milk, abstain from sinful desires which war against my soul, DO what is RIGHT and DO NOT give way to fear. And then Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sin does not prosper but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Be clear-minded and self'controlled so that I can pray and love each other deeply. I am having a hard time with my marriage. I have walls up and do not want to be free in the loving, caring or giving department so I am asking God to change my heart. I know that this is His will and He will help me. I am casting all my anxieties on Him because He cares for me. I will resist the devil through HIS strength and will stand firm in the faith. Love covers over a multitude of sins. I don't know why I am continually amazed at how directly God's WORD speaks to my heart and my life. I just need to be where God is. I need to be reading HIS word. It isn't much. I just read the New Testament and then the Psalm and then the Proverb. I went from over a year and a half of doing my devotions and meeting with God on a fairly consistent basis to after the conference almost total unbelief and denial of God. The devil is real and he wants our souls but we are Bought and PAID for in FULL! How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we chould be called children of God. My help comes from the LORD and he will not let my foot slip, he watches over me and the Lord will keep me from all harm. I am done drinking for the rest of my life. I have told anyone who will listen. I want to live for Christ. I have since picked up the Don't waste your life by John Piper again and am so convicted and encouraged. I love how God intertwines all the details of what I am reading and uses them to remind me of His faithfulness and steadfast love. I have also recently found a blog that has really encouraged me. www.aholyexperience.com I love how she points to Christ. Anyway, I have rambled on long enough. I am off today and I have my daughter working next me on coloring projects while I type and have the laundry going. It is very good to be home today. I do not know what the future will hold but I do know that God does. He knows my heart and my desires and He gives blessings to His children. He knows that I am working fulltime right now and He wants to use me. I need to be salt and light, He will protect my daughter while she is way from me every day and he will grow my husband and I as I remain faithful to HIM. Thank-you for your patience with me. It might be awhile before I write again but hopefully this explains a few things. humbly-in HIS grip-Ruth

Miles of Hope for Moms who Mourn Half-Marathon

I am very excited and eager to share with you how God continues to reveal Himself to me and to shower me with His steadfast love and faithfulness. It was about the middle of August and I was wallowing. I knew I needed to get focused and thought that I would hop online and look at upcoming runs/races to get inspired. Still feeling rather burnt out from my marathon in May and what with working full time, my search was rather half hearted. As I searched Runner's World, I found a half-marathon right here in Wisconsin, Lake Mills called Miles of Hope for Moms who Mourn. WOW! So God! With goosebumps and adrenaline pumping, I raced upstairs to tell Donnie who had already tucked in for the night while I usually cruise my blogs of other moms who have lost children. I then immediately text my running partner and my sister. I don't know why I am so surprised by God's provision. Anyway, the training plan basically just started this am. There is a devotion with each day pointing to the cross and to my Savior. I am so encouraged and want to get the word out there to anyone who might have suffered a loss or anyone who knows someone that has suffered a loss. There is also a 5 mile run/walk and a halfmile fun run for kids. So, please don't be turned off by the distance. The website is www.milesofhopeformomswhomourn.blogspot.com.Please check it out to get all the info. And share with anyone who might be interested. I especially love that the writer of the blog uses 1 Timothy 4:8 saying "for while physical training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come."She is also structuring the devotions on Psalm 13. I am so encouraged and can not wait to see how God continues to work in my life through Renner's life and death. Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us RUN with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1&2

Happy 2nd Heaven Birthday, Renner!!!

Dear family and friends,
On this the eve of our dear sweet son's second birthday in heaven, I am compelled to write. This journey has been very difficult. Should I say that I am surprised at how well I am not doing or at how well we are doing given God's great grace and mercy. I am on the final day of my staycay and Donnie was able to get the day off unpaid (since he is out of vacay time) so that we could have the day together. Sunday, was difficult. It is very hard to imagine that just two short years ago, he was here in my arms dying altho still breathing, warm, sweet to smell, heart beating. . . I am trying to finish the last three days of our time with him in his scrapbook. It is like ripping the bandaid off and the wound is still pulsating and bleeding. I can't believe that I had a son, a baby boy whose name was Renner. It is so good to talk about him and to write his name.
I am trying to find balance and healing as I plug into God's Word. Discipline and quiet time are restoring my soul. I have wrestled with God in my anger and frustration and not come away untouched. I know that I have withdrawn from many things and people and that this has hurt them. This was intentional for myself but not against anyone. I am so sorry if you have been hurt by me. That was not my intention. I was just looking to protect and provide for my husband and my daughter.
When I look back there are so many things that I am grateful for and continue to be grateful for. I rest assured that my son is in heaven. I would not change a thing of how any of this has gone but I am still very much in shock that God felt like I was the candidate for this situation. I feel very exposed and vunerable. But most importantly, I am growing. I am rooted. Faith and hope in the One who does things beyond what I can even ask or imagine. I HAVE to TRUST! What else is there?
Thank-you for all the love, support, encouragement and prayers.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RENNER!!! We love and miss you, your mom.

spiritual dryness and exhaustion

I was reading last night from Faithful Women and Their Extraordinary God. by Noel Piper and I was struck by this and encouraged and renewed. I have been having a harder week since Saturday even to the point of tears yesterday. I feel wiped out. Exhausted. Pointless. Everything is meaningless. But then I read. . .
"Her vulnerability to "unhappioness, loneliness, fear and inferiority" came from two directions: from her exhaustion and from her lack of spiritual energy. Her spiritual life dragged because she was exhausted and she was exhausted because of her low spiritual life. Inasmuch as we have a choice, we need to make good choices about sleeping, eating and other things that affect our health, so that we don't open ourselves to sin that undermines our spiritual well-being. We also need to work hard to keep our connection with God strong, through his Word and our prayer, so that we have the perception to see when we are sliding into bad attitudes and likelihood of glossing over and justifying sin in our lives."
As I closed my eyes last night, I prayed for help to get up this morning and to spend time reading HIS Word.
And from my devotions this morning. . .I need to allow the truth of God's Word to change and shape me, to strengthen and prepare me. The secret is choosing now to live out all that God had taught me and to begin to put God's Word into practice through obedience. The One Year Book of HOPE by Nancy Guthrie.
I am listening, hearing, obeying and standing firm.
Just a few side notes:
-Helen is talking about and asking for Renner alot lately. She wants to know when he is going to come home. She is asking about heaven. She wants a baby to hold and wants me to have a baby.
I always try to explain to her reasonably, logically and honestly.
-When is it a hard Ren week, I see the license plate 472REN.
-I saw an oil spot shaped in a heart on my run. Made me think of Ren. This is just funny because there is a Jeff Foxworthy joke about a greeting card that says. . .saw an oil spot today that reminded me of you. Thinking of you. TED.
-I am grateful that Donnie and I are working on giving each other space when we are having a more difficult time.
Anyway, I have to get ready for work NOW. Late as always but these were just a few of my thoughts and inspirations that I wanted to write about.

What shapes a soul? Suffering. It is a sad fact that without suffering our spiritual eyes are often never opened. -taken from MARY CALLED MAGDALENE by Margaret George

I thank God for my suffering and for drawing me to Him.

my dear son

i miss u. there were so many baby boys everywhere in church today but as we sang HOLY, HOLY, HOLY, I was reminded and comforted that u r at our Saviours feet worshipping HIM in all HIS glory. I am grateful that you are whole, happy, perfect. i am bring brought nearer to knowing our Lord and Saviour because of your short life here. i am grateful. in the bones that HE has broken, I am and will continue to rejoice. This life is hard. There are so many things that can be so frustrating and i can't help but think that things wouldn't be this way if you hadn't died. but then i am reminded of God's sovereign plan A and that HE knew the plans that HE has for me and I am comforted that HE will provide and that HIS grace is sufficient. He empowers me. i am totally dependent on HIM. HIS grace enables me. I am off my antidepressant after just a little under a year of numb but healing over my very raw nerves. i cry now and i love that i can express emotion. i can still quickly get very irritated but i have to lean on HIM and breath. i tapered and then there was a week and a half period of dizziness that was rather frustrating but now i am clean. i even stopped coffee in large quantities and and have quit smoking and am running. God has blessed me with a running partner for long runs on Sunday morning in anticipation of training and signing up for a marathon. i am also attending a pilates class twice a week and running several other times during the week. i am so encouraged. i am trying to pace myself. i am scared to get injuried because i feel that is was precipitated my downward spiral last February. i am entrusting GOD with my life. i don't just want these changes to just be a new years resolution. i feel like it is time to apply myself again and to breath and move forward. God has blessed me with so many things and it is times to move forward altho sometimes just even breathing right now is a momentous task. one of the biggest hapits that i am finding to be such a blessing, obviously, in my life is reading and devotions in the am. I love Nancy Guthrie's One Year Book of HOPE. I started it last year on our birthday. The hole in my heart rght now is gaping again and pulsating. i miss him so much and i can't believe that he is gone. i long for heaven. but progress. i can't even believe that i am writing again. thank-you GOD for healing. life is so crazy right now, my company is being bought by a huge company called Aurora and we have so many obligations and tensions and people quitting and being fired at work. work is very unpleasant and i am struggling as to why?, GOD. Why this place, this time, show me what your place is for my life. Help me to let my light shine. I am really working with God's help and of some dear friends, on my language. We talked about purity about what goes into me as well as what comes out of me. i want the love of GOD to flow out of me and that i can extend HIS mercy and loving kindness to others. HIS steadfast faithfulness and love are such a wonderful promise and proof that i cling to every day. i also feel alot of struggle both internally and externally about missing my family. there is always a cost. when i workout then i miss time with them and if i don't workout that sets me up for failure. i need to find a way to serve everyone. work has had extra computer classes that has also taken me away from donnie and helen. helen misses me so much as do i. this isn't how i thought that motherhood would go for me. but i have to rest that HE knows. might need to just take a day off soon so that h n i can have some time together. donnie and i are heading up to faithslodge in feb. alone. we need this reprieve and retreat. we need this time to take our healing to the next level. i am really looking forward to it but also a little apprehensive because not sure about how my scab is doing. not sure where donnie is in the grieving process. anyway. . . .more later. i finally did my bills after three weeks, opps. and this is my sweet reward to be able to let my thought to ren run. renner, i love u. sweet dreams my dear little man. ur momma, daddy and big sister love and miss u very much!!!

just going to close with the first five verses of psalm 103 that we are memorizing as ladies

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

to GOD be all the glory.