my dear son

i miss u. there were so many baby boys everywhere in church today but as we sang HOLY, HOLY, HOLY, I was reminded and comforted that u r at our Saviours feet worshipping HIM in all HIS glory. I am grateful that you are whole, happy, perfect. i am bring brought nearer to knowing our Lord and Saviour because of your short life here. i am grateful. in the bones that HE has broken, I am and will continue to rejoice. This life is hard. There are so many things that can be so frustrating and i can't help but think that things wouldn't be this way if you hadn't died. but then i am reminded of God's sovereign plan A and that HE knew the plans that HE has for me and I am comforted that HE will provide and that HIS grace is sufficient. He empowers me. i am totally dependent on HIM. HIS grace enables me. I am off my antidepressant after just a little under a year of numb but healing over my very raw nerves. i cry now and i love that i can express emotion. i can still quickly get very irritated but i have to lean on HIM and breath. i tapered and then there was a week and a half period of dizziness that was rather frustrating but now i am clean. i even stopped coffee in large quantities and and have quit smoking and am running. God has blessed me with a running partner for long runs on Sunday morning in anticipation of training and signing up for a marathon. i am also attending a pilates class twice a week and running several other times during the week. i am so encouraged. i am trying to pace myself. i am scared to get injuried because i feel that is was precipitated my downward spiral last February. i am entrusting GOD with my life. i don't just want these changes to just be a new years resolution. i feel like it is time to apply myself again and to breath and move forward. God has blessed me with so many things and it is times to move forward altho sometimes just even breathing right now is a momentous task. one of the biggest hapits that i am finding to be such a blessing, obviously, in my life is reading and devotions in the am. I love Nancy Guthrie's One Year Book of HOPE. I started it last year on our birthday. The hole in my heart rght now is gaping again and pulsating. i miss him so much and i can't believe that he is gone. i long for heaven. but progress. i can't even believe that i am writing again. thank-you GOD for healing. life is so crazy right now, my company is being bought by a huge company called Aurora and we have so many obligations and tensions and people quitting and being fired at work. work is very unpleasant and i am struggling as to why?, GOD. Why this place, this time, show me what your place is for my life. Help me to let my light shine. I am really working with God's help and of some dear friends, on my language. We talked about purity about what goes into me as well as what comes out of me. i want the love of GOD to flow out of me and that i can extend HIS mercy and loving kindness to others. HIS steadfast faithfulness and love are such a wonderful promise and proof that i cling to every day. i also feel alot of struggle both internally and externally about missing my family. there is always a cost. when i workout then i miss time with them and if i don't workout that sets me up for failure. i need to find a way to serve everyone. work has had extra computer classes that has also taken me away from donnie and helen. helen misses me so much as do i. this isn't how i thought that motherhood would go for me. but i have to rest that HE knows. might need to just take a day off soon so that h n i can have some time together. donnie and i are heading up to faithslodge in feb. alone. we need this reprieve and retreat. we need this time to take our healing to the next level. i am really looking forward to it but also a little apprehensive because not sure about how my scab is doing. not sure where donnie is in the grieving process. anyway. . . .more later. i finally did my bills after three weeks, opps. and this is my sweet reward to be able to let my thought to ren run. renner, i love u. sweet dreams my dear little man. ur momma, daddy and big sister love and miss u very much!!!

just going to close with the first five verses of psalm 103 that we are memorizing as ladies

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

to GOD be all the glory.