a long one coming

i really need to write, i have so much to say but now is not the time and i'm tired and am going to bed. my homework this week is to relax and give myself a break and i will elaborate later. my therapist also thinks that i'm suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and that is helping me to understand why i feel so out of control. she says i need to start getting honest about how i really feel about what happened. i was on hyper new momma of a sick baby mode for so long that i'm just really feeing the physical manifestations of a woman who needs her computer that is on the fritz, rebooted and reprogrammed. i'm just so cooked, so overwhelmed and done! i hate that i'm short with my sweet two year daughter, i hate that i had returned to drinking and smoking, which i have AGAIN quit and i hate that my husband is gone monday through friday for 4 out of 6 weeks so far. i just can't do this and i feel like i can't go on but i'm starting to understand why. what happened to us, to me, the joining of the baby lost mamma club is a BIG deal and very apinful but i have stuffed it in that place to minimize my hurt and have just tried to get along, returning back to work albiet only part time but only 2 weeks after ren died, trying to train for this marathon may 2nd and keeping all our other obligations and making playdates and get togethers and having people over for dinner, wtf, ruth, chill out!!! this is so much good stuff happening in the baby lost momma club, i need to get more plugged in and post more but i'm really just so fried. i was supposed to work tomorrow but i got cancelled which is great and a godsend in and of itself because i didn't want to be driving all the way out to burlington in the snowy sleet, so instead i scheduled a massage and a hair appt. one week on the antidepressant, loving my time with my christian therapist, maybe help is on the way and i can start to heal. also received in the mail my beautiful memory box for renner from megan at the greatest blessing. also did get out my thank-you/brazil letters, yeah, big accomplishment. 245letters. wow! ok, i already wrote way more than i wanted to, i do need to get down more of what has been going on so that i can remember and maybe to help someone else but later. . . .

winner

so, yesterday, i did not stay in my jammies all day, i did go for the 6 miler that my training plan states i should have, my plans did not fall through to get together with friends and i did not eat culvers double cheeseburger and cheese turds for dinner and i did not start on a antidepressant and i did not have a son die. just kidding. yeah, i'm, awesome, here's to hoping for a better weekend. . .

www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyrenner

thank-you

i freaking hate myself, more details to follow but not now, this sucks.

Lord, your mercies are new every morning

Let your mercies flow down from heaven, grace upon grace. I give you every moment of today and I surrender all to you and ask you to sustain in the way that only you can.

I'm so sorry

that I'm doing this so miserably but I am placing myself under God's hand and in fellowship with other believers and I'm confessing my sin and asking for help and I know that HE is faithful. I feel like I need to hold on to my sin, (reading drinking too much alcohol and smoking and anything and everything that I can do so that I don't hurt so much) to medicate if needed. Please pray for me that I can be released from this once again. Yeah, I suck!!! I need God's grace day by day to get through and this is just becoming increasingly more evident as I struggle to do it (life) in my own strength. Why do I have to be so stubborn? and why do I turn everywhere but God? I feel like it reminds me too much of Ren to turn to God and it hurts too much to be reminded of such a beautiful but ugly, bitter yet sweet time. What is God accomplishing in my life? I'm so tired of my sin.

dearest, sometimes i miss you with a rawness that hurts so bad that it is a pain that no one should experience- your momma

so beautiful, i'm so happy

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Renner Albin Lehmann

Renner Albin Lehmann
06/25/2008
08/31/2008
Kenosha, Wisconsin
Therefore,
since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.
Hebrews 12:1&2
We are assured that you are safely in the arms of Jesus but we do miss you and love you so much. Your short lifetime has changed our forever. To God be the glory! till we can be with you in heaven-your Mom, Dad and Sister
Posted by Carly at 9:13 AM 0 comments
Labels: Renner Albin Lehmann

spiraling downward

so totally losing it, feeling very depressed, what to do, can't handle this. . .donnie is gone now monday through friday in the city, we miss him and it is probably not what we need right now. . .trying to decide what to do with our life, do we need to make changes, in the face of a bad economy, do we quit and job that is well paying with good benefits to do something that in the long run will benefit us? couldn't get a run in today and really, really, really needed to, get very anxious without it and do bad things like smoke and drink, wtf!!! feeling very overwhelmed by lifes business, too many outings and obligations, too much trying to squeeze in my marathon training, just want to quit, just want to quit life. . . i have all these things that i want and need to accomplish to feel like a person worth living and am very slowing plugging away at these details but i feel like i'm failing, what is the purpose, i don't want this to be my life. . .very frustrated! WHY!!!

I'm so grateful

Ren, we have two followers. I am actually excited. I must be sick. I just really appreciate that these women know what I'm going through and that their children are with you and you are together. I'm so sorry that I'm so inept at blogging, I'm learning. This has been such an opportunity for me to heal. I did finally get our entry into, "to write their names in the sand". I can't wait to see your name written on the sands of Australia, wow! Sometimes, I feel like I'm a bad mom, but I'm learning how to be a dead baby momma and I love and miss you a ton, so much so that my heart is so heavy in my chest and I can't breath. Why do babies die? Your great grandmother just sent me a picture of Jesus holding a baby, framed and matted, it helps but hurts. We are struggling but we will be ok. Your momma forever-xo

how did this happen

There are so many details that I would like more info on. How do some babies die and others live? I'm praying for my friend Naomi, that her rainbow baby will survive. WHY???? Sometimes, I just feel so lost!! There is so much hurt and heartache. This is so not normal. Why did this happen to me, to us? Please God, reveal yourself. What are we to do with our lives now?

grateful

So, yesterday, I posted on Renner's caringbridge site because the thoughts came to me and I need to write them down and share and I'm so grateful for the love and support that has been shown since I wrote. Sidenote, do I start every entry with "so", that is funny. I'm tired, long weekend and not much reprieve in the coming week, my typing is all over the place, so ciao for now. dearest, renner, I'm excited because a friend of mine is working on a picture of you with Jesus so that I will be able to grasp a little more fully "why", I can't wait to see the completed project, I just miss you so much but it is what it is, right, I'm so glad that you are healthy and happy and whole and that you get to praise and worship and bask in the glory of the only TRUTH!