Happy 2nd Heaven Birthday, Renner!!!

Dear family and friends,
On this the eve of our dear sweet son's second birthday in heaven, I am compelled to write. This journey has been very difficult. Should I say that I am surprised at how well I am not doing or at how well we are doing given God's great grace and mercy. I am on the final day of my staycay and Donnie was able to get the day off unpaid (since he is out of vacay time) so that we could have the day together. Sunday, was difficult. It is very hard to imagine that just two short years ago, he was here in my arms dying altho still breathing, warm, sweet to smell, heart beating. . . I am trying to finish the last three days of our time with him in his scrapbook. It is like ripping the bandaid off and the wound is still pulsating and bleeding. I can't believe that I had a son, a baby boy whose name was Renner. It is so good to talk about him and to write his name.
I am trying to find balance and healing as I plug into God's Word. Discipline and quiet time are restoring my soul. I have wrestled with God in my anger and frustration and not come away untouched. I know that I have withdrawn from many things and people and that this has hurt them. This was intentional for myself but not against anyone. I am so sorry if you have been hurt by me. That was not my intention. I was just looking to protect and provide for my husband and my daughter.
When I look back there are so many things that I am grateful for and continue to be grateful for. I rest assured that my son is in heaven. I would not change a thing of how any of this has gone but I am still very much in shock that God felt like I was the candidate for this situation. I feel very exposed and vunerable. But most importantly, I am growing. I am rooted. Faith and hope in the One who does things beyond what I can even ask or imagine. I HAVE to TRUST! What else is there?
Thank-you for all the love, support, encouragement and prayers.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RENNER!!! We love and miss you, your mom.