under the tree, my first entry

actually finally posted July 16, 2009

Hello, my fellow sojourners here. . . I have been wanting to join under the tree and write for months now but no time but tonight, I can not sleep and it is still relatively early so I will answer a few questions but then not know how to link these but whatev. . .

So here's to our first gathering under the tree"How long have you been blogging for? My first post is dated 12/22/08. Renner should have been turning six months in just a few days but instead he was gone for almost four months. Why did you start? I staeted because I needed an outlet and a place for my thought to run and a place to talk to my dead son and to yell at my God. Renner had had a CaringBridge Site that was very useful and helpful to receive so much support and encouragement but after awhile, I felt like people thought that I should let go of it since he was dead. What do you want from writing? I want to be able to express my thoughts and to get support. I really don't like journalling, since I "had a bad experience."

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? I have found this to be a safe and encouraging place and it is really helpful to hear from other moms some of my exact thoughts about having your child die so I dont feel so crazy and alone. Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling? When I run with my friend, Nicki, I pretty much let it all hang out. She was there and knows and continues to be here for me. Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in? I really enjoyed several of the books suggested by Stacy, Isaac's mom. Especially, A GRACE DISGUISED by Jerry Sittser. and CRAZY LOVE by Francis Chan. I was a little lost trying to read C.S. Lewis A GRIEF OBSERVED. I am also working my way through Nancy Gunthrie's ONE YEAR BOOK OF HOPE and finding this incredibly helpful.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. More carefree, not aware of so much suffering and grief and hurt in the world, naive, trusting, just trying to live my life in a manner that I thought pleased God but really seeking the approval of man, all the time, inparticular from my sisters (and I have 4 of them so this was a full-time job). How have you changed, who are you today? I am learning more about Jesus and my heavenly Father and earnestly and desperately seeking to grow yet also resting and trying to just BE still!!! Learning more about God's love for me and that Christ IS and ENABLES my righteousness. I am more concentrated on what God is doing and saying for my life and trying to let go of people and their expectations for me and of me. I am learning to love them more deeply by letting them go and entrusting them to God, their heavenly Father as well. How do you think you are coping? I feel slightly driven lately, maybe mad but only time will tell, there is so much to do and not enough time. My Lexapro, an antidepressant, really helps and I am not drinking at all since Feb. and stopped smoking as well. I am running again. I even competed in a race this past Saturday and won my age group and even made the local paper, lol. My Helen was there to cheer me on with my husband and I am so happy and feel very blessed and want her to know that I am strong because God gives me grace and mercy to help me in my time of need. Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? I see alot of light and can not wait to join Jesus and Renner in heaven but I miss crying and I need a release sometimes, I just miss him and all that having a son could be, but I did have a son.

Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time? Well, having just celebrated what would have been Renner's first birthday, I can't believe that the first anniversary of his death is approaching, I have a hard time imagining where and how I will be in another year but I am trusting in my God, who is the God of the impossible and who can do things beyond my imagination. I thought that I would have two kids right now and maybe working on a third but obviously my ways are not His ways and my plans are not His plans but He plans to prosper me and hold me and grow me for HIS glory and for eternity. We leave for Brazil in 23 days for my first short term mission trip and I am eager but also I have been stirred lately to see what would God have me do right here in Kenosha, in my little life to spread the gospel.