i have had an ah ha moment, praise God!

i listened to both of these sermons last night and they have just helped to turn my perspective. http://www.crosspoint.tv/media/backseat-jesus/ i am continual amazed at how God works. He is so faithful. He desires me and wants me to follow Him. I am so excited to make Jesus the Lord of my life and to rest in Him on a moment by moment basis. i need to put idolatry to death. Jesus says follow me, I will give you rest. He wants to be the driver of my life and i'm so ready as i am so tired of this struggle, my sin and my fight that i am putting up with against my Holy, Almighty, Lord and Savior!!! and "Yet", inspite of myself, He has established an everlasting covenant with me. Do I trust Jesus with my daily life? Everytime, i trust and accept Jesus' yoke, this world will get smaller and i will find rest and rivers of living water. Please listen to these two podcasts. I accidently found them through one deadbabymomma who referenced another deadbabymomma, WOW!!! I just love the beautiful tapestry that God continues to weave with my life and i want to praise HIM not because of my yucky situation but simply because HE IS!! I will not be untouched by my struggle with my beautiful son's brief life and death but God is accomplishing things beyond even my imagination. We have received our total fundraising for our trip to Brazil in two short weeks. God provides!!! I am learning that suffering (ie. pressure, difficulty, something that comes into my life that i would NOT choose) is a normal part of the christian life because of sin then death. Romans 5:12 Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all have sinned. . .i have just been fighting with God about the why and the how but like we used for Renner's service Job 37:5 God thunders wondrously with his voice; he does great things that we cannot comprehend. A new friend that I hung out with last night asked me if I would want a god who i could understand and then what role would faith play? Very good perspective! Another good dear, older friend share with me on Sunday, Hosea 6: 1-3 "Come, let us return to the Lord; for He has torn us, that He may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us; on the tird day He will raise us up, that we may live before Him. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to know the Lord; His going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth." Finally, Proverbs 30:5 Every word of God proves true; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him. I officially lost my voice yesterday evening from talking (read here, bitching, moaning and complaining against God, my life, my situation, my losses) too much. Therapy was interesting today as i tried to explain in a whisper my moment last night was God used these sermons to turn me out of the depths of my despair. The last half of the hour we just worked on relaxation with ocean waves in the background, deep abdominal breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, visual imagery and then finally she just simply read God's WORD, part of the gospels, the psalms, etc. She is going to make me a CD and I'm just so encouraged to be progressing forward finally. . .I realize that it has just been six months since Renner was with me but sometimes death just seems so final and permanent. I just desire to get to know Jesus on a much more personal level, esp. since my Ren is really and truly experiencing Him. I want to be an ambassador for Christ like Megan writes about http://greatestblessing.blogspot.com/2009/03/ambassador.html. I'm so sorry that I'm not better about how to blog and link but i just want all of you to be encouraged that God continues to use you and bless me through you and your writings. I'm so grateful that He leads me and how I am cared for. Please take the time to listen to these sermon series, so good!!! Well, my husband is actually home tonight, hence the reason why I had time to blog but I should spend time with him. Thank-you!!! Jesus and his followers!!!