Finally, I am caught up with my under the tree entries, now just to figure out how to link them. I miss you-all and now I feel like I can contribute again, this was hanging over me, I know, Ruth, let it go, not life-threatening, I have so much to learn in the blogging world. I need to do this tho and it is so helpful to have a place to just be me, a grieving mother who really misses her son. Today at work, there was a patient who came in just for labs and a port flush. We had talked several years ago and she even went to my church for a time and then I had had her take picture of my second pregnancy since she offered since she does photography for wedding and wanted to build up mer maternity portfolio and so today she was like how are the kids? and I had to tell her, UGH!!! Oh, my son died. He didn't make it. We had to let him go. His brain was not functioning. He was nonviable. I'm fine. It just SUCKS!!! Yeah, so on to some lighter things. . .
A few things:
Hair color: dirty or dark blonde, gets highlights in the summer sun if I'm not spending the entire summer in the hospital like last summer, ugh!
Eye color: blue
Profession: Oncology Certified Registered Nurse and MOM to Helen and Renner, wife to my Donnie
Relationship status: married over 10 years now, wow
My Favs:
Color: to wear, black, but i love all color
Movie: Princess Bride? I don't know if I have a fav. . .
Animal: ? my dogs. . .
Store: probably the GAP, I know, how lame, I need to get a life, ok, maybe the ethnic grocery stores
Childhood memory: the ones my sister play over and over again. I don't remeber much of my own. They are always reinacting.
Hobby: Running?
Song/Singer: Held byt Natalie Grant and Enough by Barlow Girls. Godspeed by Dixiechix, anything on Megans playlist, or Carly's playlist, I am not very original, that's for sure.
Book/Author: CRAZY LOVE by Francis Chan and of course, Wally Lamb, he is nuts good and Snowflower and the Secret Fan, by Lise See, too many, I love to read and have read a ton of great books.
School subject: none, I hate school!
Vacation destination: Anyplace with a beach!!!
Food: pretty much anything and everything, I love food, esp. Mexican and Italian.
Restaurant: Anything that my husband cooks and Panera.
This and that:
Coke or Pepsi: COKE!
Coffee or Tea: BOTH and esp. Soy Latte from Starbucks, I'm a drinker so pretty much everything!
Apple juice or OJ: OJ, with pulp!
Summer or Winter: Summer, love the sweat dripping between my cleav but nothing like the first snowfall too.
Cats or dogs: DOGS, I have 2 chocolate labs, almost & years old, Maxxwell George and Chloe Marie.
Salty or sweet: Salty, like potatoe chips but also LOVE Snickers Bars
Plane or Boat: I love flying and haven't really had much time on a boat since we are not boat people even tho my husband would love it if we were but $$$, I just love going anywhere, anyhow, anytime.
Morning or night: Both, esp. since Ren died, I am more of a night person now, were as before I used to love the morning.
Money or love: LOVE, obviously!
Breakfast or dinner: BOTH!! and sometimes breakfast for dinner and visaversa
Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness!
House or apartment: House, altho' I think it just depends on your circumstances
Like to cook: anything but my husband always takes over
Have you ever:
Got a speeding ticket: MANY!!! the most recent just a couple of months ago, I have a lead foot, almost got my license taken from me but by the grace of God, did not.
Wished you were someone else: All the time, esp. when I'm not satisfied with my life and not being content but I am growing in contentment.
Cried during a movie: All the time but most recently, SOBBED during My Sister's Keeper, had read the book and didn't think that the movie would be good with the actors that they had casted but it was actually VERY good and I really needed the emotional release and the opportunity to grieve as a mom letting her child go.
Describe self in one word: CRAZY!
Biggest Fear: having another child die before me or be born with disabilities, and get this, I am very shallow, so being and staying FAT, ugh, now you know how shallow I am.
Biggest Mistake: This is hard. I have many regrets, esp. related to my previous out of control drinking habit. I have also many times, opened mouth, inserted foot. I fortuantely am just a forgiven sinner at the foot of the cross, down on my knees as God's streams of grace flow down on me.
Your proudest accomplishment: besides Helen and Renner and my marriage but all three of these things are really just gifts from God that I do not deserve, so running and completing my first marathon October 2007 on a hot day, ran it in 4hours and 10 min, approx. I was geeked out!
Dream Job: I think that I would really like to work in an ER but we will see. I really love not sorking that much right now and just being mom to Helen. I would also really like to take my nursing overseas and work in the mission field in for example an AIDS clinic.
Special Talents: Being Crazy and LOUD! The life of the party!?
Where would I rather be at this moment: holding my Renner, nursing him, or on the BEACH!!!relaxing.
Famous person you would want to meet: Mother Teresa or Florence Nightingale or Jesus or more time with my grandparents or my son. . .
Song to be played at my funeral: The Lord is my Shepherd, Abide with me, In Christ Alone, Begone Unbelief, Too many, I love singing! Grace upon Grace falls down, falls down, throught the precious blood of Christ.
Showing posts with label under the tree. Show all posts
Showing posts with label under the tree. Show all posts
Jul 16, 2009
Apr 25, 2009
under the tree, my third entry
actually finally posted July 16, 2009
How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Renner died August 31st, 2008. It was a Sunday. He took his last breath around 1:30 p.m. Has your grief changed at all? My grief is always changing and evolving for the better. It is dynamic. I will always feel the impact of this loss but it is softer, I think that the antidepressant had calmed the RAW nerve endings and helped me to mellow. Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes? I think that some things are easier and some are harder. I hate that I am happier now and that I laugh more, I feel like I have to be over him and move on with life because I can not stay in the darkness and morose. Why did this happen? I will never know? What went so very wrong in his little brain?
How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?I have mixed emotions. I miss that expected and excited feeling and worry that I might never have it again. I am sad for their perceived naivete, don't they know that bad things can happen and I ask myself why would someone knowingly put themselves through so much pain and suffering on purpose. Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? I feel like I have tried just about everything but am I fixed yet? Will I ever be fixed? I have tried two different therapist, group therapy, massage, accupuncture, physical therapy, medications, drinking, smoking, eating, shopping, medications, reading, running. . .Do you go to counseling? I am currently not in counselling because I don't have time and don't have a sitter for my daughter and I have friends that I can talk to for free and I felt like she wasn't really helping altho, in the beginning it was really good to begin to understand why I felt the way I did, "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" and to give myself permission to get on the medications which had really helped and i wouldn't have done that if my therapist hadn't suggested it. Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? I RUN but then I injured myself by running too hard and too much so I'm just coming back from some injuries. What helps you? Everything has helped, certainly hasn't hurt anything than how bad I already was hurting and it is all part of the process. I am trying to just let myself be but these things take time.
How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Renner died August 31st, 2008. It was a Sunday. He took his last breath around 1:30 p.m. Has your grief changed at all? My grief is always changing and evolving for the better. It is dynamic. I will always feel the impact of this loss but it is softer, I think that the antidepressant had calmed the RAW nerve endings and helped me to mellow. Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes? I think that some things are easier and some are harder. I hate that I am happier now and that I laugh more, I feel like I have to be over him and move on with life because I can not stay in the darkness and morose. Why did this happen? I will never know? What went so very wrong in his little brain?
How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?I have mixed emotions. I miss that expected and excited feeling and worry that I might never have it again. I am sad for their perceived naivete, don't they know that bad things can happen and I ask myself why would someone knowingly put themselves through so much pain and suffering on purpose. Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? I feel like I have tried just about everything but am I fixed yet? Will I ever be fixed? I have tried two different therapist, group therapy, massage, accupuncture, physical therapy, medications, drinking, smoking, eating, shopping, medications, reading, running. . .Do you go to counseling? I am currently not in counselling because I don't have time and don't have a sitter for my daughter and I have friends that I can talk to for free and I felt like she wasn't really helping altho, in the beginning it was really good to begin to understand why I felt the way I did, "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" and to give myself permission to get on the medications which had really helped and i wouldn't have done that if my therapist hadn't suggested it. Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? I RUN but then I injured myself by running too hard and too much so I'm just coming back from some injuries. What helps you? Everything has helped, certainly hasn't hurt anything than how bad I already was hurting and it is all part of the process. I am trying to just let myself be but these things take time.
Mar 26, 2009
under the tree, my second entry
actually finally posted on July 16, 2009
Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? Renner is all over my house. I have pictures of him in our kitchen and our bedroom but esp. a little place on my desk. What is it like? A gathering of things that are about him. A picture that says "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart" Psm 34:18 A beautiful picture of Ren is a butterfly frame. A glass butterfly a friend gave to me and his name plate that Megan from The Greatest Blessing made for me.
Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies? I run. We ran at Parkside on our birthday and I hope to so this every year. If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Totally, everytime, I am out running or in nature, God and Renner show me a piece of peace that is experienced in heaven whether it is a baby fox or a deer or a bunny or a bird.
Have you ever felt their presence? I'm not sure, there has been many very blessed moments since Ren has gone to heaven to be with Jesus. Do you find them in nature? For sure! Do they visit you in your dreams? I don't think so, When I sleep, I sleep like the dead, I'm just starting to dream again. I will have to pay more attention. Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies? Hebrews 12:1,2
Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? Renner is all over my house. I have pictures of him in our kitchen and our bedroom but esp. a little place on my desk. What is it like? A gathering of things that are about him. A picture that says "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart" Psm 34:18 A beautiful picture of Ren is a butterfly frame. A glass butterfly a friend gave to me and his name plate that Megan from The Greatest Blessing made for me.
Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies? I run. We ran at Parkside on our birthday and I hope to so this every year. If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Totally, everytime, I am out running or in nature, God and Renner show me a piece of peace that is experienced in heaven whether it is a baby fox or a deer or a bunny or a bird.
Have you ever felt their presence? I'm not sure, there has been many very blessed moments since Ren has gone to heaven to be with Jesus. Do you find them in nature? For sure! Do they visit you in your dreams? I don't think so, When I sleep, I sleep like the dead, I'm just starting to dream again. I will have to pay more attention. Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies? Hebrews 12:1,2
Mar 2, 2009
under the tree, my first entry
actually finally posted July 16, 2009
Hello, my fellow sojourners here. . . I have been wanting to join under the tree and write for months now but no time but tonight, I can not sleep and it is still relatively early so I will answer a few questions but then not know how to link these but whatev. . .
So here's to our first gathering under the tree"How long have you been blogging for? My first post is dated 12/22/08. Renner should have been turning six months in just a few days but instead he was gone for almost four months. Why did you start? I staeted because I needed an outlet and a place for my thought to run and a place to talk to my dead son and to yell at my God. Renner had had a CaringBridge Site that was very useful and helpful to receive so much support and encouragement but after awhile, I felt like people thought that I should let go of it since he was dead. What do you want from writing? I want to be able to express my thoughts and to get support. I really don't like journalling, since I "had a bad experience."
Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? I have found this to be a safe and encouraging place and it is really helpful to hear from other moms some of my exact thoughts about having your child die so I dont feel so crazy and alone. Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling? When I run with my friend, Nicki, I pretty much let it all hang out. She was there and knows and continues to be here for me. Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in? I really enjoyed several of the books suggested by Stacy, Isaac's mom. Especially, A GRACE DISGUISED by Jerry Sittser. and CRAZY LOVE by Francis Chan. I was a little lost trying to read C.S. Lewis A GRIEF OBSERVED. I am also working my way through Nancy Gunthrie's ONE YEAR BOOK OF HOPE and finding this incredibly helpful.
How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. More carefree, not aware of so much suffering and grief and hurt in the world, naive, trusting, just trying to live my life in a manner that I thought pleased God but really seeking the approval of man, all the time, inparticular from my sisters (and I have 4 of them so this was a full-time job). How have you changed, who are you today? I am learning more about Jesus and my heavenly Father and earnestly and desperately seeking to grow yet also resting and trying to just BE still!!! Learning more about God's love for me and that Christ IS and ENABLES my righteousness. I am more concentrated on what God is doing and saying for my life and trying to let go of people and their expectations for me and of me. I am learning to love them more deeply by letting them go and entrusting them to God, their heavenly Father as well. How do you think you are coping? I feel slightly driven lately, maybe mad but only time will tell, there is so much to do and not enough time. My Lexapro, an antidepressant, really helps and I am not drinking at all since Feb. and stopped smoking as well. I am running again. I even competed in a race this past Saturday and won my age group and even made the local paper, lol. My Helen was there to cheer me on with my husband and I am so happy and feel very blessed and want her to know that I am strong because God gives me grace and mercy to help me in my time of need. Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? I see alot of light and can not wait to join Jesus and Renner in heaven but I miss crying and I need a release sometimes, I just miss him and all that having a son could be, but I did have a son.
Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time? Well, having just celebrated what would have been Renner's first birthday, I can't believe that the first anniversary of his death is approaching, I have a hard time imagining where and how I will be in another year but I am trusting in my God, who is the God of the impossible and who can do things beyond my imagination. I thought that I would have two kids right now and maybe working on a third but obviously my ways are not His ways and my plans are not His plans but He plans to prosper me and hold me and grow me for HIS glory and for eternity. We leave for Brazil in 23 days for my first short term mission trip and I am eager but also I have been stirred lately to see what would God have me do right here in Kenosha, in my little life to spread the gospel.
Hello, my fellow sojourners here. . . I have been wanting to join under the tree and write for months now but no time but tonight, I can not sleep and it is still relatively early so I will answer a few questions but then not know how to link these but whatev. . .
So here's to our first gathering under the tree"How long have you been blogging for? My first post is dated 12/22/08. Renner should have been turning six months in just a few days but instead he was gone for almost four months. Why did you start? I staeted because I needed an outlet and a place for my thought to run and a place to talk to my dead son and to yell at my God. Renner had had a CaringBridge Site that was very useful and helpful to receive so much support and encouragement but after awhile, I felt like people thought that I should let go of it since he was dead. What do you want from writing? I want to be able to express my thoughts and to get support. I really don't like journalling, since I "had a bad experience."
Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? I have found this to be a safe and encouraging place and it is really helpful to hear from other moms some of my exact thoughts about having your child die so I dont feel so crazy and alone. Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling? When I run with my friend, Nicki, I pretty much let it all hang out. She was there and knows and continues to be here for me. Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in? I really enjoyed several of the books suggested by Stacy, Isaac's mom. Especially, A GRACE DISGUISED by Jerry Sittser. and CRAZY LOVE by Francis Chan. I was a little lost trying to read C.S. Lewis A GRIEF OBSERVED. I am also working my way through Nancy Gunthrie's ONE YEAR BOOK OF HOPE and finding this incredibly helpful.
How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. More carefree, not aware of so much suffering and grief and hurt in the world, naive, trusting, just trying to live my life in a manner that I thought pleased God but really seeking the approval of man, all the time, inparticular from my sisters (and I have 4 of them so this was a full-time job). How have you changed, who are you today? I am learning more about Jesus and my heavenly Father and earnestly and desperately seeking to grow yet also resting and trying to just BE still!!! Learning more about God's love for me and that Christ IS and ENABLES my righteousness. I am more concentrated on what God is doing and saying for my life and trying to let go of people and their expectations for me and of me. I am learning to love them more deeply by letting them go and entrusting them to God, their heavenly Father as well. How do you think you are coping? I feel slightly driven lately, maybe mad but only time will tell, there is so much to do and not enough time. My Lexapro, an antidepressant, really helps and I am not drinking at all since Feb. and stopped smoking as well. I am running again. I even competed in a race this past Saturday and won my age group and even made the local paper, lol. My Helen was there to cheer me on with my husband and I am so happy and feel very blessed and want her to know that I am strong because God gives me grace and mercy to help me in my time of need. Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? I see alot of light and can not wait to join Jesus and Renner in heaven but I miss crying and I need a release sometimes, I just miss him and all that having a son could be, but I did have a son.
Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time? Well, having just celebrated what would have been Renner's first birthday, I can't believe that the first anniversary of his death is approaching, I have a hard time imagining where and how I will be in another year but I am trusting in my God, who is the God of the impossible and who can do things beyond my imagination. I thought that I would have two kids right now and maybe working on a third but obviously my ways are not His ways and my plans are not His plans but He plans to prosper me and hold me and grow me for HIS glory and for eternity. We leave for Brazil in 23 days for my first short term mission trip and I am eager but also I have been stirred lately to see what would God have me do right here in Kenosha, in my little life to spread the gospel.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
