minus one

we went for walk this evening together as family, mom, dad, h and the two dogs for the first time since . . . i so vividly remember that last friday with our ren, we had just gotten home from the picu, hospice services were established and then all the people were gone and it was just the four of us. i asked my husband if we could use the double stroller that i had received for my birthday from my sister for the first time with both of our children in it. august 29. he would die less than 48 hours later. it was so bittersweet to all be together, the warm evening sunshine beating on us, the breeze light and refreshing, so different from the many days and weeks spent in the very closed up, sterile and suffocating hospital. sadness flows back in a wave. my dear husband is struggling right now as he so appropriately reminded me that he is not on meds to help smooth things over and to stabilize the highs and the lows to a very nonchalant, even keel place that i am now at. i told him that he could get some meds too and he said that he doesn't like medications and doesn't want to be on anything, well, no kidding. he was sad this afternoon while holding our daughter while she was napping that he can't hold both of our children and that with baseball season starting, he will miss his son. he had a little opportunity to watch some last year with our ren. it is so hard not to have our child. even tho the olympics are still three years off, i know that it will bring back memories of my late night feeding with ren. we are minus one. . .