Prayer please

My daughter, Helen is really sick for the last two days with fevers and a very sore throat.

under the tree, my second entry

actually finally posted on July 16, 2009

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? Renner is all over my house. I have pictures of him in our kitchen and our bedroom but esp. a little place on my desk. What is it like? A gathering of things that are about him. A picture that says "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart" Psm 34:18 A beautiful picture of Ren is a butterfly frame. A glass butterfly a friend gave to me and his name plate that Megan from The Greatest Blessing made for me.

Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies? I run. We ran at Parkside on our birthday and I hope to so this every year. If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Totally, everytime, I am out running or in nature, God and Renner show me a piece of peace that is experienced in heaven whether it is a baby fox or a deer or a bunny or a bird.

Have you ever felt their presence? I'm not sure, there has been many very blessed moments since Ren has gone to heaven to be with Jesus. Do you find them in nature? For sure! Do they visit you in your dreams? I don't think so, When I sleep, I sleep like the dead, I'm just starting to dream again. I will have to pay more attention. Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies? Hebrews 12:1,2

thank-you all for praying and for lifting us up. i'm really struggling again this week. the hubby and i are fighting more and more. i hate that his job has him gone so much and i'm getting bitter. i hate who i have become, i hate this grief and this sadness and this struggle. i just learned of a huge error and sin i committed last month on the night i starting my antidepressant and drank and finished a whole bottle of wine, my last and i'm so sad and sickened by myself and my sin. please, i am calling out to God for forgiveness and healing and peace.

minus one

we went for walk this evening together as family, mom, dad, h and the two dogs for the first time since . . . i so vividly remember that last friday with our ren, we had just gotten home from the picu, hospice services were established and then all the people were gone and it was just the four of us. i asked my husband if we could use the double stroller that i had received for my birthday from my sister for the first time with both of our children in it. august 29. he would die less than 48 hours later. it was so bittersweet to all be together, the warm evening sunshine beating on us, the breeze light and refreshing, so different from the many days and weeks spent in the very closed up, sterile and suffocating hospital. sadness flows back in a wave. my dear husband is struggling right now as he so appropriately reminded me that he is not on meds to help smooth things over and to stabilize the highs and the lows to a very nonchalant, even keel place that i am now at. i told him that he could get some meds too and he said that he doesn't like medications and doesn't want to be on anything, well, no kidding. he was sad this afternoon while holding our daughter while she was napping that he can't hold both of our children and that with baseball season starting, he will miss his son. he had a little opportunity to watch some last year with our ren. it is so hard not to have our child. even tho the olympics are still three years off, i know that it will bring back memories of my late night feeding with ren. we are minus one. . .

i have had an ah ha moment, praise God!

i listened to both of these sermons last night and they have just helped to turn my perspective. http://www.crosspoint.tv/media/backseat-jesus/ i am continual amazed at how God works. He is so faithful. He desires me and wants me to follow Him. I am so excited to make Jesus the Lord of my life and to rest in Him on a moment by moment basis. i need to put idolatry to death. Jesus says follow me, I will give you rest. He wants to be the driver of my life and i'm so ready as i am so tired of this struggle, my sin and my fight that i am putting up with against my Holy, Almighty, Lord and Savior!!! and "Yet", inspite of myself, He has established an everlasting covenant with me. Do I trust Jesus with my daily life? Everytime, i trust and accept Jesus' yoke, this world will get smaller and i will find rest and rivers of living water. Please listen to these two podcasts. I accidently found them through one deadbabymomma who referenced another deadbabymomma, WOW!!! I just love the beautiful tapestry that God continues to weave with my life and i want to praise HIM not because of my yucky situation but simply because HE IS!! I will not be untouched by my struggle with my beautiful son's brief life and death but God is accomplishing things beyond even my imagination. We have received our total fundraising for our trip to Brazil in two short weeks. God provides!!! I am learning that suffering (ie. pressure, difficulty, something that comes into my life that i would NOT choose) is a normal part of the christian life because of sin then death. Romans 5:12 Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all have sinned. . .i have just been fighting with God about the why and the how but like we used for Renner's service Job 37:5 God thunders wondrously with his voice; he does great things that we cannot comprehend. A new friend that I hung out with last night asked me if I would want a god who i could understand and then what role would faith play? Very good perspective! Another good dear, older friend share with me on Sunday, Hosea 6: 1-3 "Come, let us return to the Lord; for He has torn us, that He may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us; on the tird day He will raise us up, that we may live before Him. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to know the Lord; His going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth." Finally, Proverbs 30:5 Every word of God proves true; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him. I officially lost my voice yesterday evening from talking (read here, bitching, moaning and complaining against God, my life, my situation, my losses) too much. Therapy was interesting today as i tried to explain in a whisper my moment last night was God used these sermons to turn me out of the depths of my despair. The last half of the hour we just worked on relaxation with ocean waves in the background, deep abdominal breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, visual imagery and then finally she just simply read God's WORD, part of the gospels, the psalms, etc. She is going to make me a CD and I'm just so encouraged to be progressing forward finally. . .I realize that it has just been six months since Renner was with me but sometimes death just seems so final and permanent. I just desire to get to know Jesus on a much more personal level, esp. since my Ren is really and truly experiencing Him. I want to be an ambassador for Christ like Megan writes about http://greatestblessing.blogspot.com/2009/03/ambassador.html. I'm so sorry that I'm not better about how to blog and link but i just want all of you to be encouraged that God continues to use you and bless me through you and your writings. I'm so grateful that He leads me and how I am cared for. Please take the time to listen to these sermon series, so good!!! Well, my husband is actually home tonight, hence the reason why I had time to blog but I should spend time with him. Thank-you!!! Jesus and his followers!!!

numb

i'm depressed from my antidepressants. just struggling. i miss my husband. right now it is late and i'm tired and my daughter is screaming from the top of the stairs but actually she is singing "grace upon grace flows down, flows down" i'm trying to trust and follow HIM but I just feel numb. what is the point? just trying to hold on. . . He is faithful and He loves me even tho' i don't understand and i am questioning His ways but they are perfect.

under the tree, my first entry

actually finally posted July 16, 2009

Hello, my fellow sojourners here. . . I have been wanting to join under the tree and write for months now but no time but tonight, I can not sleep and it is still relatively early so I will answer a few questions but then not know how to link these but whatev. . .

So here's to our first gathering under the tree"How long have you been blogging for? My first post is dated 12/22/08. Renner should have been turning six months in just a few days but instead he was gone for almost four months. Why did you start? I staeted because I needed an outlet and a place for my thought to run and a place to talk to my dead son and to yell at my God. Renner had had a CaringBridge Site that was very useful and helpful to receive so much support and encouragement but after awhile, I felt like people thought that I should let go of it since he was dead. What do you want from writing? I want to be able to express my thoughts and to get support. I really don't like journalling, since I "had a bad experience."

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? I have found this to be a safe and encouraging place and it is really helpful to hear from other moms some of my exact thoughts about having your child die so I dont feel so crazy and alone. Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling? When I run with my friend, Nicki, I pretty much let it all hang out. She was there and knows and continues to be here for me. Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in? I really enjoyed several of the books suggested by Stacy, Isaac's mom. Especially, A GRACE DISGUISED by Jerry Sittser. and CRAZY LOVE by Francis Chan. I was a little lost trying to read C.S. Lewis A GRIEF OBSERVED. I am also working my way through Nancy Gunthrie's ONE YEAR BOOK OF HOPE and finding this incredibly helpful.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. More carefree, not aware of so much suffering and grief and hurt in the world, naive, trusting, just trying to live my life in a manner that I thought pleased God but really seeking the approval of man, all the time, inparticular from my sisters (and I have 4 of them so this was a full-time job). How have you changed, who are you today? I am learning more about Jesus and my heavenly Father and earnestly and desperately seeking to grow yet also resting and trying to just BE still!!! Learning more about God's love for me and that Christ IS and ENABLES my righteousness. I am more concentrated on what God is doing and saying for my life and trying to let go of people and their expectations for me and of me. I am learning to love them more deeply by letting them go and entrusting them to God, their heavenly Father as well. How do you think you are coping? I feel slightly driven lately, maybe mad but only time will tell, there is so much to do and not enough time. My Lexapro, an antidepressant, really helps and I am not drinking at all since Feb. and stopped smoking as well. I am running again. I even competed in a race this past Saturday and won my age group and even made the local paper, lol. My Helen was there to cheer me on with my husband and I am so happy and feel very blessed and want her to know that I am strong because God gives me grace and mercy to help me in my time of need. Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? I see alot of light and can not wait to join Jesus and Renner in heaven but I miss crying and I need a release sometimes, I just miss him and all that having a son could be, but I did have a son.

Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time? Well, having just celebrated what would have been Renner's first birthday, I can't believe that the first anniversary of his death is approaching, I have a hard time imagining where and how I will be in another year but I am trusting in my God, who is the God of the impossible and who can do things beyond my imagination. I thought that I would have two kids right now and maybe working on a third but obviously my ways are not His ways and my plans are not His plans but He plans to prosper me and hold me and grow me for HIS glory and for eternity. We leave for Brazil in 23 days for my first short term mission trip and I am eager but also I have been stirred lately to see what would God have me do right here in Kenosha, in my little life to spread the gospel.

underqualified/overqualified

just continuing to feel very overwhelmed, the heart palpitations and anxiety continue, the elephant isn't just in the room, he is sitting on my chest, squishing me so i can't breathe. i have been thinking about why i didn't feel great joy at accomplishing my ren thank-yous and brazil letter and i think it is because i feel incredibly unworthy to continue on this journey, unprepared to serve, possibly even incapable of coping much more than one day at a day. i was unsure of what i could bring to brazil, how could i serve these women and children. . .yesterday at one of our monthly team meetings, i learned that the infant mortality rate in brazil is 29.6%. that is every 1 in 3 babies die! why? i am sickeningly overqualified suddenly. i pray that God enables me to serve Him in a big way, in a way that I cannot even comprehend. i am compelled to learn more about this statistic. please pray that God will reveal Himself to me as to how I can serve and altho' i know that the whys are probably not answerable till heaven help me to grow in peace, patience and understanding.