Feb 26, 2009
a long one coming
i really need to write, i have so much to say but now is not the time and i'm tired and am going to bed. my homework this week is to relax and give myself a break and i will elaborate later. my therapist also thinks that i'm suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and that is helping me to understand why i feel so out of control. she says i need to start getting honest about how i really feel about what happened. i was on hyper new momma of a sick baby mode for so long that i'm just really feeing the physical manifestations of a woman who needs her computer that is on the fritz, rebooted and reprogrammed. i'm just so cooked, so overwhelmed and done! i hate that i'm short with my sweet two year daughter, i hate that i had returned to drinking and smoking, which i have AGAIN quit and i hate that my husband is gone monday through friday for 4 out of 6 weeks so far. i just can't do this and i feel like i can't go on but i'm starting to understand why. what happened to us, to me, the joining of the baby lost mamma club is a BIG deal and very apinful but i have stuffed it in that place to minimize my hurt and have just tried to get along, returning back to work albiet only part time but only 2 weeks after ren died, trying to train for this marathon may 2nd and keeping all our other obligations and making playdates and get togethers and having people over for dinner, wtf, ruth, chill out!!! this is so much good stuff happening in the baby lost momma club, i need to get more plugged in and post more but i'm really just so fried. i was supposed to work tomorrow but i got cancelled which is great and a godsend in and of itself because i didn't want to be driving all the way out to burlington in the snowy sleet, so instead i scheduled a massage and a hair appt. one week on the antidepressant, loving my time with my christian therapist, maybe help is on the way and i can start to heal. also received in the mail my beautiful memory box for renner from megan at the greatest blessing. also did get out my thank-you/brazil letters, yeah, big accomplishment. 245letters. wow! ok, i already wrote way more than i wanted to, i do need to get down more of what has been going on so that i can remember and maybe to help someone else but later. . . .
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You hit the nail on the head, Ruth. Chill out. Give yourself a break. Running to clear your head is one thing, but feeling the pressure to stick to a marathon schedule is quite different. Be easy on yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou are incredibly strong. I couldn't handle my husband traveling so much. My husband was gone 3-4 days out of every week from late last winter until we lost E. He hasn't traveled since, but next week he'll be gone for a few days. I'm not sure I can handle it.
OK, enough hijacking by me. My point was that you must focus on your well being. Don't overschedule. Don't set too many goals. Just be.
Peace.
Honey-I'm sorry that I tried to schedule a fun day for H and us today. I realize now that I'm just trying to monopolize on your precious time and energy. I will not do that anymore, that is a promise. I just miss you already.
ReplyDeletePlease write soon. :)
ReplyDeleteRuth,
ReplyDeleteHealing happens in a lot of different ways. I think that one of the very best things we can do is humble ourselves and realize that we need to be healed. Remember the plate spinner from "The Cross Centered Life?" He would keep these plates spinning - all of them good things, like Bible Reading, Prayer, Evangelism - when they were spinning, life was good. But, when one falls, they all tend to get wobbly and fall. So, he picked up a few more plates and spun them. Point is, he was so busy spinning the plates that he missed the main thing. What are the "plates" in your life? What is the main thing in your life?
One other thing that came to mind. Romans 8:1. "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ." That means that God does not judge us for our sinful disobedient acts. He's placed his judgment fully on Christ. But, that also means that because Christ has been judged in our place, we have no right to heap judgment and condemnation and guilt on ourselves. In my own life, I think I do that because I don't think that Christ's sacrifice for my sins was enough. I think that somehow I have to make myself perfect, so that his sacrifice would be enough.
Please take this stuff for what it's worth. These things came to mind as I was praying for you, D & H this morning.
We love you very much and miss you!