time

I have felt the need to write. I miss my renner and I'm just not sure how to help myself so I am starting this blog. I don't know what I am doing and I feel so insignificant but also that I might suffocate if I don't put it down in black and white. On Christmas Day, "Merry Christmas", I should be holding and nursing my six month old son, Renner but instead my arms will be empty, my breasts are empty and flat, my stomach is fat and flabby and my chest is tight, heavy and can't catch my very own breath. Six days later, 12/31/08, he will be gone for 4 months. Happy New Year! I can't say that I'm bitter, just incredibly sad. . .We struggle. Life goes on. At least, I have have Helen and Donnie, who are way more than I deserve and I adore them. But how does one come to gripes with this kind of loss. I feel as tho' one whole year of my life is wasted. I remember last Christmas, being to excited to be pregnant and to have a sibling for Helen. Was I asking for or expecting too much? Everyone else seems to be doing it?! I just don't understand. I wish that I could know what went wrong and why his brain didn't work. What happened? It all feels like a very bad nightmare. Could this really have happened? NO, this kind of thing doesn't happen to me, my life is perfect. WHY?!!! How come I couldn't keep him? Why do I have to learn these hard lessons? I'm at a loss. What did I do wrong? I felt as tho God carried me during those two months and 6 days of his life and for the insuing weeks that followed as we took care of the details and rearranged and settled back to a life without our son but now? I know that I have faith and that God saved me from myself but why am I not doing better? I feel like I'm trying to figure out what our life should look like and be now. Having just Helen makes me so much more free yet tied down at the same time. She doesn't really need me but she constantly says and cries that she "wants momma", sometimes I feel trapped by this and I wonder what she would do if I just wasn't here anymore. She has had to go through so much already for just being two, I couldn't do that to her, I couldn't leave her or Donnie but so many times, I just want to quit, to cease to exist. . .I just don't care. Donnie always tells me that I need to start caring and I do to some extent but I feel like I have a big gaping hole in my world and the hole is vacuum where everything is getting sucked out. I don't feel like exercising. I don't care what I eat, but somehow, I still manage to put away quite a bit of food. I have trouble sleeping, like now. . .so here, I am, rambling. I have had a really hard time getting my breath lately and sometimes, I feel like I have chest pains, is it just my grief or is there something more serious? I don't want anyone to think that I'm a raving lunatic, altho, I'm not really too sure that isn't too far from the truth. Trying to read through a devotion called Overcoming Adversity in 31 Days by Joni Erikson Tada. Now, she has gone through a lot but I'm just not sure that I can compare our situations. She is a very good writer but can I be better in 31 days? Yesterday was day 21, so we will see. I have so many things that I have let slip. I wonder if Renner is disappointed in me? I wonder if he thinks of me. . .We didn't go to church yesterday for the third week, altho, last week we were technically in a church, it just wasn't ours. I just can't handle the overwhelming pressure, to see all the pregnant women, all the live baby boys, all the nursing moms, all the shining, happy people with their large families, hearing the songs that we sang for our Renner. I can't sit there for an hour and keep a smile on my face, the tears pours down my cheeks. I feel sick just typing this. It is weird how much I am really bothered by all this, writing is so therapeutic. I know that God understands and that I just need time. I'm trying to allow myself and our family time. I wish to skip ahead a few years when the pain is a little more dull. So, yesterday, instead of going to church, we set up Helen's toddler bed. At times, it is hard to move forward, altho' change is good, I bought the toddler bed since Renner would have been moving into the crib from the cradle in our room and now, without him here, we don't need to necessarily make the transition. TIME, to heal, to move past all these memories, my thought are filled with the details of his short life, what could I have done differently, what should I have done, I just miss him and what could have been so much! This is NOT the way our life was supposed to be. WHY! Less than two weeks till we go to Mexico. Advice to grieving moms, get away, take a vacation, we should have gone so much sooner, I just need a break, but without vacation time left because our son was sick and dying and then DIED, we just need to get away, get some prespective, enjoy each other, get some sunshine and warmth, haha. Got my friend last night and I'm never so grateful to see my blood. NOT ready to be pregnant again! Sometimes, I think why not? but I'm just so tired and I'm not done abusing my own body yet for something that I had no control over. I'm too scared. I just don't know if Icould go through that again. I don't think that I want to try to replace our renner. I was just so happy and excited to have this child, our son. I love everything about him. He was perfect. He was just so precious. WHY! I hestitated to start this blog. I have felt the need to write but where and how. I hate journals! I'm so computer illiterate. I have been reading a smattering of blogs written by other moms who have had children die. I appreciate that many of them are Christians and I hope that eventually, my faith will shine through my misery like theirs does. They are so well written and give all the glory to God, as I hesitated, I thought that I couldn't do this as well as they do, with their cute nicknames, blog designs and pictures but at 3am when I couldn't sleep. . .here I am, now to go workout, trying to keep my head above water. Need to accomplish certain things to feel alive. Renner, I miss you so much and especially, the possibility of you. I miss your smell and your soft skin. I miss your warmth and our very special times together. I would go to the ends of the earth for you. . .I'm so sorry that I can't be your mom here on earth. Selfishly, I wish that I could have kept you here with me. I am so glad that you are safe in the arms of Jesus, tho. I'm so sad but happy that you get to spend your first Christmas, in heaven, with Jesus. I just wish that you were here with us.