it's working

Ok, so long day, felt like a Monday. Worked today and we were just slammed because have to get everyone in who couldn't get treated or see on Thursday since it was the holiday. But, back to the point. I got my first comment from a mom who lost her son, Megan and I'm just so excited to be and feel connected. Thank-you, Megan for reaching out to me. I actually found your site also a couple of days ago before I finally got this one going and I'm not going to lie, your blog is beautiful and I love what you are doing with the boxes and you and your girls are beautiful and you were one of the blog that I felt incredibly intimidated by but I can do this and this is helping! I'm sorry that my writing has been sub par but that is just where I'm at right now.
I'm still wondering if I am actually clinically depressed and if medications are an option. I'm afraid of meds. I know that we just desperately need this vacation and I'm hoping to reevaluate things when we get back, if I survive that long. I just feel like I can't pull myself up by my own bootstraps anymore. I'm too tired. No matter how much effort I put in, I just can't and I know this is where God comes in but . . .and it is not like He has left me or I have left Him, I just feel this heaviness that almost seems beyond myself because in reality, logically, we are going to be ok, my ren is not sick or handicapped or suffering, he is in heaven made perfect and whole with Jesus, I have my adorable husband and daughter, we will survive and then ultimately, this life doesn't matter either and we have eternal life. . .but on a day by day basis, minute by minute, I can't breathe, I can't focus, I can't think and I hyperventilate at the smallest of things or things totally out of my control and this is not like me.
Today, at work, I got all choked about a poor woman who isn't even in her right mind anymore and her family doesn't get it and they just want to keep treating her with the chemo and I want to be like, it is ok to let go, hospice is a great option, I did it, yes, it hurts but there is a beauty in letting your loved one go peacefully and comfortable.
So, anyway, like I said, we were bombed at work which can be good so that I don't have to think, I can just work. But I missed Helen and I hate having to drop her off at the sitters and I had even forgotten to confirm that I needed my sitter for today. Opps! H was so cute this evening playing in her new kitchen that she got for christmas from grandma and grandpa lehmann. I just makes me so sad when she plays with her babies. She would have been such a great big sister to Renner. She talks about him frequently and all her babies are Renner. She says that he is in heaven with Jesus. I just wonder how much she comprehends and how this will all effect her. Are we going to have more children? Lord, knows, I'm just nowhere right now.
Ok, so back to this whole blogging thing. Good news, my thoughtful husband got me my first laptop for Christmas even tho' I feel like I don't need it and I certainly don't deserve it. He thought that it would be a good idea for me to have available for me to blog, therapeautic, etc. We were going to get a laptop when Renner was sick because his caring bridge site was so amazingly useful and encouraging. www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyrenner. But then when we learned that he did not have a viable brain pattern and that he was going to die, I thought that we did not need a laptop anymore. We have so much and I don't need or want any of it or anything else, all I wanted was to have a boy. Yes, I know, I probably have idols in my heart that I've made or continue to make. But writing on the caringbridge was so good for me and I still check on him at least a dozen times a day, the only problem, ok, several, was that then we used it for my sister Joy's emergency and what can I say after that, plus I had a few unwanted followers with unsolicited advice, which I have to prepare myself, I might get here. It is wierd to pour your heart out and need that connection with other moms who have lost but I bristle when people who have not lost a loss like this try to tell me what to do or feel or say. This loss is so very different and difficult. I frequently can't even think of lossing my son because the reality is still just too horrific and too much of a nightmare and no way this really happened to me. And so I write.
I don't know how to blog and I really want to have a cool site and be all graphicy and post buttons from my other deadbabymommas that I have never and maybe will never meet, but I don't know how but I will learn. You all inspire me. So here is to, it is working. . .one day at a time.
Tomorrow is our 10 year anniversary, hopefully, we will not fight. Donnie is picking up a side job in the am and I'm having my best friend over, she's bringing the Starbucks. No plans as of yet for the evening?. . .maybe we should go out on a date. . .I'm forever planning dates and then cancelling at the last minute because I just don't feel up to it or I don't want to leave Helen. I know, I'm a bad wife, or maybe we will just ignore that it is our anniversary and just act like it is another day.
I do need to work on finding us a support group for grieving couples. I have a few leads but haven't committed to anything. I also was given the name and number of a mom who lost her baby and my homework from some of the great girls that I work with is to call her but what do I say? How do I not do it tho? We will see. . .
I know lots of trailing thoughts, see what happens when I get a laptop and time to myself. . .also please pray for one of my old friends from high school. I just recently learned that she is going through a rough and I'm sure troubled time. Her name is Melissa.
Life is not easy and sin and hardship shouldn't surprise us but I'm quick to invite in self pity and I don't want her to stay. I want to get on living my life, fully to His glory with JOY!!!