ten years

Actually feeling semi normal this evening. Donnie picked up an extra side job today so a little cash in the pocket always helps. Had a good morning with my friend, drinking starbucks and pursuing Sam's. Took a nap with Helen in her toddler bed, squished, but these are the tender moments that I wouldn't give up for the world and what do I have to do that is more important. My dear husband knows me so well and actually suggested that we take down and clean up the christmas decorations. This was so good. I'm glad that the holidays are over and I actually feel like a weight has lifted. Did have a brief moment of anxiety this evening when my mom called to tell me that my aunt and two cousins were in town visiting and did we what to get together tonight, over there or here or tomorrow and I was like too many choices and I'm not really up for anything and I just want to be alone with my husband and daughter and I don't want to make small talk and I don't want to talk about anything but esp. how we are doing. . . plus it is our anniversary and tomorrow is another day and just as well as a fine option to get together. I was vaccilating on whether or not to go to church tomorrow, I have worked it out so that I am avoiding the things that hurt too much but one of the moms who also lost her son said that she understands where I'm coming from but that she MADE herself go because she believes that it is imperative to healthy healing, which is of course what I desire. Maybe that is why I have more peace tonight. Running away doesn't help. I have so many things that I need to do to get back on track. I feel like I have all these thoughts running throught my head, like I need to write a thank-you letter to everyone who was so supportive during our time with Renner. That is just the way I was taught/raised but there was such an overwhelming amount of cards and so much generosity and I was just so exhausted. . .I do think tho that getting all those addresses down and accomplishing this huge undertaking in the new year of course, not tonight will help me to feel like I CAN DO THIS! I also need to work on my picture books. I need to scrapbook a nice book for Renner. I know that I will always appreciate that. It has just been so painful to remember all those times when we were so blissfully ignorant of that fact that he had a nonviable brain pattern. Who cares about a little hydrocephalus and needing a vp shunt, that is minor, we can do anything that he needs like PT, OT and speech but now he is gone and all I have are these perfect pictures of my beautiful son who has so damaged at the microscopic level that even his doctors still don't have an actual diagnosis. I read a book by a mother who had to let her son go also, I think that it was called The Blue Poppy and The Mustard Seed. She said this, "Perfect and severely damaged all at the same time. I could love him and I could let him go too. Fire could float on water." I related, of course. I feel like my life is such a dicatomy. Sweet and Bitter. Happy and Sad. Perfect and Horrible. Anyway, I digress. I also need to start my marathon training. I've paid for the first Kenosha marathon, May 2nd. This will be my second marathon and again, postpartum so I'm just looking to finish and get back in shape, sort of need to quit smoking again, opps. See, I have so much that I feel like I need to do and accomplish and when I'm being sucked into the black hole vaccuum, all is lost and seems impossible but I need to cling to HIM. Well, the hubby is having problems with the new laptop so I have to sign off for the night but I'm going to be ok for at least another day and hopefully for another ten years, God willing.