under the tree, my third entry

actually finally posted July 16, 2009

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Renner died August 31st, 2008. It was a Sunday. He took his last breath around 1:30 p.m. Has your grief changed at all? My grief is always changing and evolving for the better. It is dynamic. I will always feel the impact of this loss but it is softer, I think that the antidepressant had calmed the RAW nerve endings and helped me to mellow. Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes? I think that some things are easier and some are harder. I hate that I am happier now and that I laugh more, I feel like I have to be over him and move on with life because I can not stay in the darkness and morose. Why did this happen? I will never know? What went so very wrong in his little brain?

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?I have mixed emotions. I miss that expected and excited feeling and worry that I might never have it again. I am sad for their perceived naivete, don't they know that bad things can happen and I ask myself why would someone knowingly put themselves through so much pain and suffering on purpose. Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? I feel like I have tried just about everything but am I fixed yet? Will I ever be fixed? I have tried two different therapist, group therapy, massage, accupuncture, physical therapy, medications, drinking, smoking, eating, shopping, medications, reading, running. . .Do you go to counseling? I am currently not in counselling because I don't have time and don't have a sitter for my daughter and I have friends that I can talk to for free and I felt like she wasn't really helping altho, in the beginning it was really good to begin to understand why I felt the way I did, "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" and to give myself permission to get on the medications which had really helped and i wouldn't have done that if my therapist hadn't suggested it. Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? I RUN but then I injured myself by running too hard and too much so I'm just coming back from some injuries. What helps you? Everything has helped, certainly hasn't hurt anything than how bad I already was hurting and it is all part of the process. I am trying to just let myself be but these things take time.