struggles

I am so sorry that I have not yet taken the time to encourage you or to let you in on how I am doing. Since the women's conference I have been in one of the most difficult struggles yet. I felt as tho' the devil was not pleased with the progress I was making. I knew that it would be difficult to proceed forward but I had no idea how difficult it would be. I have done alot of heart work and struggle since Renner died. I have really struggled with fear and anxiety. I want to know why and what it the plan and the meaning of losing our child. Prior to and then the women's conference really reinforced my heart's desire to have more children and to be at home. I had picked up a little book at the conference called How to Have More Children Who Follow Christ. I started reading Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. I was met with resistance by my husband who isn't ready to have more children. I started my downward spiral. I struggle with using alcohol to feel as bad physically as I do mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I use it when I am angry. I use it because I think that I deserve a break, to relax, to escape. I have used alcohol since being a teenager. I come from an alcoholic family. I am also a nurse and frequently healthcare providers have substance abuse problems because it is a way to numb and deal with the constant pouring out of one's self. I had stopped drinking 2004 completely by the power of God. I was never tempted and enjoyed the freedom and clarity. I was helped to see that it was a poison that would not bring me salvation or eternal life and that it would only bring death. But then since having my child die in my arms and not understanding why, when I thought I was following God's will by having children and being a stay at home mom, and then having everything ripped out from underneath me. I do know what it means to be HELD by HIM but in my flesh and sinful nature, I have dabbled with drinking again. I have used it to medicate. Anyway, so after the conference, I was doing ok, trying to justify my drinking and trying not to do it that much or trying to control it but God wants complete obedience and total surrender. I was downward spiralling, I was frustrated. I was almost suicidal. I did not see the point to my life. November 20th, my husband was gone fishing and my daughter was in bed and I was on the phone to my sister in Guatemala, I proceeded to drink two bottles of wine. The next day Sunday, I felt terrible. The previous Monday, I had been at a friends house that was about 45minutes away from home and had been drinking and then drove home. I am not sure how I made it home. These two events grabbed my attention. I am saved by grace. God loves me and He is for me. I needed to let go and be free. My sister had challenged the whole family to start using the one year bible again. As I read, "my soul is weary with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word" Psalm 119:28, I felt like God heard my cry. I also read in 1Peter, be self-controlled, crave pure spiritual milk, abstain from sinful desires which war against my soul, DO what is RIGHT and DO NOT give way to fear. And then Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sin does not prosper but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Be clear-minded and self'controlled so that I can pray and love each other deeply. I am having a hard time with my marriage. I have walls up and do not want to be free in the loving, caring or giving department so I am asking God to change my heart. I know that this is His will and He will help me. I am casting all my anxieties on Him because He cares for me. I will resist the devil through HIS strength and will stand firm in the faith. Love covers over a multitude of sins. I don't know why I am continually amazed at how directly God's WORD speaks to my heart and my life. I just need to be where God is. I need to be reading HIS word. It isn't much. I just read the New Testament and then the Psalm and then the Proverb. I went from over a year and a half of doing my devotions and meeting with God on a fairly consistent basis to after the conference almost total unbelief and denial of God. The devil is real and he wants our souls but we are Bought and PAID for in FULL! How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we chould be called children of God. My help comes from the LORD and he will not let my foot slip, he watches over me and the Lord will keep me from all harm. I am done drinking for the rest of my life. I have told anyone who will listen. I want to live for Christ. I have since picked up the Don't waste your life by John Piper again and am so convicted and encouraged. I love how God intertwines all the details of what I am reading and uses them to remind me of His faithfulness and steadfast love. I have also recently found a blog that has really encouraged me. www.aholyexperience.com I love how she points to Christ. Anyway, I have rambled on long enough. I am off today and I have my daughter working next me on coloring projects while I type and have the laundry going. It is very good to be home today. I do not know what the future will hold but I do know that God does. He knows my heart and my desires and He gives blessings to His children. He knows that I am working fulltime right now and He wants to use me. I need to be salt and light, He will protect my daughter while she is way from me every day and he will grow my husband and I as I remain faithful to HIM. Thank-you for your patience with me. It might be awhile before I write again but hopefully this explains a few things. humbly-in HIS grip-Ruth