no time

It is late. I should be doing my bills but for some reason my online banking is offline. Maybe it is just God telling me it is ok to go to bed but I just feel like i have so much to do and not enough time. Partly this is because I have an almost three year old, partly this is because now my jungle of a yard needs attention and partly this is because I don't say no and put too much on myself. I need to get work done on Renner's scrapbook. I finally have it all set up and ideas and supplies but no time. Please pray that I will feel a sense of accomplishment and release from the many and unrealistic and probably even imagined burdens that I put on myself. Life is so short and sweet and I am trying to enjoy it and just be but even that is hard work right now. Why am I always tired?!!! Grief is hard work!!!
So, today is JUNE 1st. I have officially declared it my birthday month. Renner and I shared the same birthday last year. I was 30 and he was freshly a new born in my arms, breathing, warm and full of possibilities. I couldn't believe that I had a son and a daughter. I felt so blessed! I still do but in a much different way now, older, wiser, more somber, even more appreciative, much more heavenly minded. Learning so much more about Christ and His desire for my heart. Longing for that day. . .I just can't believe that time has flown so quickly. I have so much more to write but no time. I need to schedule time for me and for this. I still really want to answer the under the tree blog questions but haven't learned or given my self permission to care for me and this, ugh. . .just existing. . . .at times and actually growing and healing at other times. It just hurts. I miss him and the me that was before. WHY!? I don't understand why. Why me?, Why him?, Why others?. . . I will never have the answers this side of heaven so why am I even ranting and raving? must let go. . .